Tuesday, Sept. 28, 2004, 11:21 a.m.: anniversary...
It was out 1mth anniversary yesterday. K made the night extra special for me. He does all the right things, he's so romantic and loving. I care a/b him so much, but it is VERY hard for me to express myself to him verbally. I'm great with body language but when it comes to opening my mouth and being emotioanlly intimate, I fall short by fucking miles in comparison. It is so frustrating to be in a situation where there is so much going on inside you and you can't put together what you're feeling or what you want to say. He confronted me last night a/b it again and I felt so powerless and angry. I was so mad but @ the same time I wished that I could just let myself go and allow my words to flow naturally. I told him he needed to cut me some slack and understand that it's extremely hard for me b/c I have NEVER been that emotionally close to someone where I could allow my feelings to be expressed that freely. It's so frustrating for me b/c I want to give him what he gives me but it takes me so much more time to do it. Eventually I became so unemotional b/c I ended up feeling short of what he needed...so I shut down. I had to tell him though b/c I knew he wouldn't understand what was going on with me and, when I did, there it was. His floodgates opened to me again and he reminded me of how special I am to him and of everything he loves a/b me. That's when I couldn't take it anymore and I started to cry. The only thing that ever has been able to make me bawl uncontrollably was that feeling of love/acceptance that I've always craved and I never thought I would experience...so when I felt it from him, @ that moment, I couldn't stop myself. I have so much feeling inside for him and it's just fighting to get out, but I'm this prisoner. Sometimes I feel like my emotion is just caged up inside me. I care a/b him to no end...it's really overwhelming and amazing. This is hard work. I am drained today.