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Monday, Aug. 30, 2004, 9:16 a.m.: intensity...

I have an audition today @ 1.30pm. I'm suppose to be a free-spirited hippie chick, so I'm dressed the part...now I have to act it. Shouldn't be too hard, half of me is that anyways. I have to drive into the city though to do it...take an hour [maybe more] off work while I'm @ it. I got into a bit of a scruff scrap with my girlfriend this weekend. This is the one I went to NY with. I guess being together like we were, for two straight weeks, may have gotten to us. We're both very stubborn and we like to argue, so it can become a challenge sometimes to get us to agree on things. I think we were talking a/b materialistic people [I'm not sure in what context though] and she was trying to tell me that she wasn't materialistic [which makes me think she was trying to say I was]. Anyways, I had to disagree with her b/c I see how she goes for the labels whenever she can, etc etc...but b/c she doesn't have as much money to spend as some people she thinks that she's not. So we're going back and forth and I'm throwing shit out to her that proves she cares a/b the image or whatever and she's trying to down play it and say I'm so much more than she is...which really started to piss me off. Then @ some point she made some stupid 'know-it-all' gesture and I lost it and started mocking and provoking her...which kinda got us into a whole new territory. All of a sudden I was this teribble mean bitch who just wanted to hurt her. I got really defensive and started to attack her, even though she called me on it, until I came to my senses and tried to bring the 'convo' back a/r to what we were talking a/b. I thought maybe we weren't understanding the other person's definition of 'materialistic'. It was so stupid and I felt really bad a/f for acting the way I did...she's a really nice girl, but she can act like such a know-it-all sometimes. It was such a pointless argument though and it showed me that we have spent way to much time together. I'm sure she's still upset with me. Oh well, I'm not perfect!

Friday night went really well for me though. That's a plus! Of course it was b/c I was out with my new boy K. He took me to this street festival and then to this restaurant that I've been wanting to go to ever since it opened a/b a year ago. It was an Arabic/Moroccon style restaurant where the tables were set up in tent like areas and they were lined up against couches. It was such a relaxing atmosphere and there was lots of room for playing b/c we were in the corner sitting together. It's very cute how we always want to be so close to each other. He kept touching my back, arms, legs while we were sitting and it was making me so horny. As soon as I get the glazed look in my eyes though he can't help himself. He made me cum in 3 mins, I swear, when he put his fingers in me...crazy shit. There was a belly dancer there who came a/r to all the tables and danced for people. I got up to dance with her and she put that belt thingy on me so that I could get the feeling of it. It was fun. Our night, that started @ 8pm, lasted till 10.30am the next day. We didn't even go back to his place, not that we needed to exactly. When the sun came up we went for breakfast and walked to this park and just talked shit, made out some more and laughed a/b everything. I feel like a teenager when I'm with him. @ one point he asked me what I thought a/b us or what was going on..how I felt a/b our connection. He does alot of the talking when it comes to us so I guess he needed something from me, so I told him. I told him that nobody has every been able to understand me and the fact that he does is so refreshing. He just gets me and that's so rare for me. I told him that he has a way with me, he makes me happy and puts me @ ease. I also told him that I'm usually drawn to difficult and emotionally draining relationships and that for the first time in a long time I'm not...and that it's really good. We're on the same page. I've passed through my previous phase obviously, otherwise I would have found myself with another one like the last. That's good news for me. He told me that being with me feels so surreal, like it's all a dream. It's true, it's like nobody else in the world exists when we're together...it's such a weird feeling for me. It's very intense. Even down to when he makes me cum, my eyes start to tear...that's how deeply I feel him. It's so fucked! One day @ a time though.

Yesterday was my chill day. I bought some stuff I need to work on a script I'm writing. I also bought some inpirational books too...just something to give me some insight when I'm feeling down or out of place. I rented 'Butterfly Effect' too which tripped me out huge, until the end. The movie was terrible except for the last 5mins of it. Everything a/b it was awful to think a/b or watch. I thought it was going to be a total waste but it managed to redeem itself...thank fuck. I was also surprised that I could watch Ashton and NOT think a/b his Kelso character from That 70's show. He did a good job. It was an interesting theory too. I guess I'd recommend it, if you can handle dark plot lines.