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Monday, May. 10, 2004, 9:32 a.m.: someone else...

I had a great bonding session this weekend with a few different people. First it happened when I went to lunch with my girlfriend and her father. We were talking a/b music that she could use next year in her recital with her kids. We had just come from the end of the year performance and I had commented on how good the music she had chosen was. So I told her that I had so many great pieces, in mind, that she could use and she asked me what they were. As I'm trying to explain them her Dad, who seems to be knowledgeable in everything from mainstream music to medieval practices, starts helping me sing them and then starts naming all of them for me. That opened up a whole hour more of music that we kept singing and admiring. I've never really bonded like that with my Father and although I love him with all my heart it was so nice to connect with hers. When I left them I was compelled to hug him, and I did, which I found even weirder for me. I had a great time with them.

I bonded a bit with my own Dad yesterday. He wanted me to help him move a bed and when he can't find a guy to help him he always calls on me. He thinks I'm strong enough to do it. I find myself being the boy he never had sometimes. I think that's why I have a bit of penis envy actually. It's probably also why I'm very competitive with males, I feel I have to prove myself in that department...whatever that department is? It will be a neverending battle though b/c I am NOT a boy. It's okay though, I don't mind really...it's made me who I am today. People tell me I have the perfect balance of masculinity and feminity and I like that a/b myself.

My last session was with my boy. We, of course, seem to bond much more than anyone I've ever known or been with. Every new experience, big or small, with him brings us to some deeper level. Just getting into his car and seeing his face light up with mine touches me in ways you can't even imagine. It must be my male time b/c I find myself connecting with so many guys in my life right now.

My navel is almost totally healed now. I was beginning to freak a bit, thinking it was infected, but it turned out I was just being paranoid a/b it. It will be a month come Saturday and it should be fully mended by then. I haven't had any whacked growths or anything like so I know I'm cool. Some of my girlfriends had bubbles on theirs and they're perfectly fine now, but I'd rather do without the hassle, you know.

I had an audition yesterday where I had to play a woman who was severely damaged and morose. I was a bit worried a/b a scene where I had to become very emotional. I have an issue with crying, I can't get the tears to flow that easily but I told myself that if I @ least get the emotion then that's what matters. We went through some of the easier stuff first, he got me to read it a couple of different ways for him. Then we got into the heavy scene, which I did with a reader, and he stopped me b/f I got to the end and said...'wow, you are very good'. I was taken aback by his comment @ first and I didn't know what to say. So he said it again, then the girl I was reading with goes...'yea, I was a/b to start crying there'...and I saw that her eyes were tearing up. He said it again to me, and @ this point I'm crying and thanking them b/c it was such an accomplishment for me. Hearing that I touched them made me want to burst out and cry even more. He wanted to offer me the part right there on the spot, but the chick who was working the camera butt in and said that call-backs will be held next week sometime. I don't even care if I don't get it b/c I know I made such an impression on them that that is all I need. To know that you can reach people @ such a deep emotional level is what this shit is all a/b...and I fucking did that! So they can lick my ass if they don't want me...there will be someone else who will.