rings email host

Friday, Apr. 16, 2004, 10:13 a.m.: the mission...

It's time for another mission. I'm in need of another distraction. I was made aware yesterday how NOT cool I am with the fact that I have no control over the behavior and actions of certain people. I was labelled a control freak, the other day, and I was initially shocked b/c I really never thought of myself as a control freak. Now though, everything is starting to make so much more sense to me and I'm seeing how it fits into place in different areas of my life. But when I'm going through a 'stage', let's call it, it's as if I'm watching myself from the outside. I can't figure out how to deal with the fact that this is who I am. It definately makes my life much more difficult to be this way. I am so much more uptight than I thought I was...it's sort of funny. Anyways, I'm in need of some male distraction. I really don't know how to get this guy out of my heart. It's not cool that I feel so attached to him...it makes me feel completely out of fucking control. Well, bottom line is that yesterday made me so aware of what I have to do.

I went to the gym again this morning. This time we went for 7.30am. I was suppose to be up @ 7, I figured that would give me enough time to get up and ready and out the door. I ended up waking up @ 5am instead though. I was having this freaky dream, where I was on this deserted street on the foggiest day I've ever seen. It was so creepy to me but when I think a/b it, the scene wasn't that out of the ordinary. I mean there was a rickety bus that was coming a/r a corner and a kid across the street that was sort of motioning to me, in a slow like motion. Maybe it was the slow motion that threw me, but the ambiance was fucking eerie as hell. There I was, on the other side of the street, watching this bus coming and this kid waving @ me and I woke up in that psychologically tormented place. So once I was up there was no getting me back to sleep. I'm on 5hrs sleep and it's going to kill me tomorrow. The gym was good though. We bumped into a friend of my girlfriend's who is rather enjoyable to watch during my work-out. He always comes over to help too, which is good for my posture and my on-going dilemna really. Perfect timing I guess. The thing is that when he touches me, my body heats up so much that I feel like I'm a/b to start sweating. To be totally superficial here, the guy has a body to kill. He's a cop too which just gives me too many ideas that I shouldn't be wasting my time on in the gym while I'm trying to FOCUS. He would actually be a perfect candidate for my distraction plan though, if he wasn't already seeing someone. Hmmmm...

I finally got my pics back and they are beautiful. The color contrasts he used and the whole depth perception thing turned out amazing. It's going to be hard to choose which 'one' I want. I've narrowed them down to two piles right now. One is the good pile and the other is the not so good pile. Out of all the shots though, there are a/b half of them that are totally useable...which is rare. The greatest thing a/b these though is that they are not only engaging but the represent ME. That is most important.