Thursday, Apr. 01, 2004, 9:12 a.m.: head fucked...
My head has been in the clouds for the last two days I think. Where those two days went, I have no fucking idea. I had my class last night and I was so spaced out it was ridiculous. We read our scenes, from the plays that the teacher wants us to work on, and I just lost my mind. Half way through, my brain practically shut down on me. I think it was working on overtime again. It's been raining this whole week and that, for sure, is not helping matters. I just want to crawl under a rock and die.
Tonight I have a film festival gala, opening night party to go to. I have an extra ticket and I'm debating on who I should ask to go with me...boy...girl...boy...girl. I can't seem to make any proper concrete decisions. As I was sitting in class yesterday watching these plays being read..not performed, just read. I kept seeing themes in all of them and then relating them to myself. Fear of failure, fear of abandonment, fear of decisions, fear of change, the need to control. All of these terribly negative and emotionally debilitating issues were slapping me in the face. I started to get really down on myself, wondering if all these things really keep me from my own happiness. If all these things I could let go of, or act on, if that would free me from this kind of cage I feel I live in. It was beginning to drive me crazy and I think that's why my brain just said, 'enough'! I assume we are all suffering from these things though, in one form or another, each and every single one of us. Which kind of comforts you to know that you're not alone. But the irony of it is that it ultimately leaves you alone b/c these 'issues' sepreate us from on another...keep us @ safe distances...never allowing us to feel too much, for fear of pain and shit like that. It's very fucking depressing when I get thinking a/b it. Am I psychoanalyzing this way to much here?? I'm giving myself another mental black-out.
On a happy note, I hope I get my pics in the mail today b/c I really want to see them. Oh ya, another thing I started freaking out a/b was that whole 40min film that I HAVEN'T yet heard a/b. I started to get all worried, thinking that the director cut me out of it b/c I don't have a dick. You know, in other words, I'm just in the way and I just distract the 'straight' boys. I'm going to shoot him an email today asking him what's up. I will be sooooo pissed though if I've been cut from the long version. Especially since I am the lead fucking character in the thing. FUCK!!!