Monday, Jan. 26, 2004, 9:54 a.m.: cry...
I'll tell you what my problem is. I give people too much credit. I expect the world of them. I think that their strength and integrity should match my own. I must learn not to trust so freely when trust is something to be earned. I respect open and honest people. I respect when someone tells me like it is...blunt and straight forward. I repsect those that are not intimidated by me. I find too often that people close to me fear my 'wrath' and keep things from me, and then I'm much too intuitive to be lied to and I end up dispising them b/c of it. I feel so betrayed. My problem is that I idealize and get let down. I rise and then I fall...hard, and then I fall even harder again. This sucks. I never thought people could be that cold hearted. This isn't conceit here either, but I'm too good. I just don't understand this life...I am so not from here.
It's that time again in my life when I need change. I'm going to move forward from where I am right now. I have a bit of a mourning period that I have to go through, but once that's over it's time to go on. I was beginning to feel stagnant anyways, so this is good. Once again though, it's time to cut back on spending and eliminate un-wanted and unnecessary burdens. I had this whacked dream last night that I was in the body of this man and I knew I was crazy...but crazy in a genius sense. I identified what was going to transpire next in my life [or surroundings] by patterns and @ some point I knew something terrible was going to happen [don't know what] and I chopped off my hand, @ my forearm. It was pretty nasty. There was more to it though. I shape shifted eventually into a female and had to attempt this escape, where I slid through a tunnel in the ground to get off this platform that was being surrounded by enemies. It was a complete maze and one place elad to a completely different place and I was just running. This obstacle shit always amazes me. I don't know why I have so many dreams like this and I don't understand why they're usually so gruesome. It must be some indication of how emotionally wounded I think I am, or am willing to become, and how I have to deal with that. I don't know. We're all so fucking complex and so beautifully torn up.
I realized yesterday, on set with my co-star, how much it hurts me that I'm so detached from love. My comfort zone is this lack of emotional bonding...it's so fucked up. I want so badly to be able to be close with somebody and not one person yet has had the strength to be able to show me how to get to that place. Maybe I'm not starting with myself and that's the problem. We were talking and he was asking me a/b my job and my family and he picked up on a sense of hurt that I felt towards my parents. It was fucked but he commented on it and told me to make sure that I'm always growing in every way possible. Then he left and I almost started bawling my eyes out. He touched me somewhere inside and I felt genuine care and that made me want to cry like a baby. I think it's makes me sad b/c I know how much I lack it if just one extension of caring can make me crumble so easily. 'You can't pick your parents, but you can pick your friends...that's the great thing a/b it.' I'll never forget that comment.
<3 ~CAT~ xXx