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Wednesday, Nov. 26, 2003, 9:41 a.m.: trying to figure...

Well, yesterday's meeting didn't go quite the way I had hoped for. I matched my pic EXACTLY, according to this agent, and she even went as far as to show me the girl who I conflict with. I mean, she told me that I should call her whenever I need advice or help with anything and that's a very good thing. I should feel positive and I do, sort of. It still leaves me in pretty much the same position I was in b/f I walked into her office though. So, that's almost all of them down...I've got a/b 6 more packages I'm going to drop off next week and then if there are no responses...it's back to square one. I have a funny feeling that my 'goal' of getting an agent b/f my b-day is NOT going to be fulfilled. I keep telling myself that this is happening for a reason and that something better is just waiting to come along, and it makes me feel okay for the time being. It's still frustrating as hell though. What can you do? I hate the fact that I have NO control over this shit, although in a weird way it's comforting b/c it's not like I can really do anything more or less a/b it, if that makes any sense. I'm conisdering doing some more Theatre b/c I'm sort of sick of constantly working on film a/f film and just whirling through it all. Hardly taking time to enjoy the process sucks, and on top of that, I never get to really fully experience a character unless I'm working on a 3 week straight shoot [which is rare]. It's just all crazy. I use to think Theatre took up too much time, but I think it's good for me b/c it's a change of some sort. I get bored easily. I've been doing alot of reading on Egyptogolgy lately and it's so fascinating that it takes my mind off the useless wondering a/b acting and shit. It's such a good feeling...I love it. I got this urge though, the other day, to just take off to some far away country and live there. Just to take everything from here, or nothing @ all, and move away...visit other lands, experience other cultures...shit like that. I'm so interested in the world and yet when I find something that I think will open my mind a bit more, I get confined again. Sort of makes me feel like I'm living in Pleasantville, where the end of Main street is just the beginning again. So many ideas and so little time.

Love, CAT xXx