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Thursday, Nov. 20, 2003, 9:38 a.m.: vanity or shock value...

My bubble has busted. It seems the boys heart is NOT with me. You know, we've gotten much clsoer over the past 6 mths and I was under the impression that that meant something. But as of 4pm [or maybe a tad earlier] yesterday it was made aware to me, in a not so obvious way, that his goals and fututre ambitions do not seem include me. It would make no difference if I stayed or if I left the picture, in our 'so-called partnership'. On top of that, the meeting with his agent has been put off until today. It hurts when I get close to people b/c I expect a certain level of loyalty and obligation and that's where I've obviously gone wrong. I have to detach my emotions from him b/c I'm in way too deep right now...and I don't think, anymore, he's in half as deep as I am. The only thing that constantly throws me off is the fact that I have this burning feeling inside that he totally wants to be with me. I can't figure out why I have that feeling, b/c what he's done now has shown me otherwise. My life is fucking irony personified.

I'm trying to get back on track and to fully focus on my acting career again. Rage, hurt and anger seem to be my catalysts...the fuel for my drive. I might as well just use it to my advantage right now and stop wasting my emotional energy on this other tedious bull-shit. The longer I hang a/r and gamble on his emotional connection, and ability to stay with me, will only leave me more open to hurt in the long run. This shit always hurts!

So anyways, now today I get to drop my shit off to his agent. I have to go home and change though into what I wearing yesterday b/c everyone so far thinks I looked much cuter in that outfit, than in what I've got on today. I need to make an impression on these fucks. I have to stick out in their minds. I have to use my look to my advantage here. I went to the mall yesterday, to do a bit of X-mas shopping and to help my girlfriend find matching earings for a dress she just bought, and everyone was looking @ me. Even my girlfriend noticed so it wasn't just me being vain and shit. Old men to old women to young kids and everyone in between. So I might as well stick with the shock value. Seems to work.

Love, CAT xXx