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Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2003, 9:24 a.m.: over-active...

So, HOT boy called me up last night...left me a message on my phone. Fuck, this guy makes my heart beat @ mad speeds! I got his message this morning and now I'm @ odds with whether I should bother calling him back. I mean, I know he's calling me to hook it up so I'm conflicted. On the one hand I have my boy who I adore with everything in me, but he wont make 'us' official yet. So I'm technically free to see and fuck whomever I want but, I know that it would hurt him...@ least I'm pretty sure it would, b/c I know how I would feel if he told me he was seeing [or banging] some other chick and mostly b/c he displays the same weird behavior I do if I talk a/b other guys. So the conflict comes when I wonder 'is it just a matter of time until he leaves and finds someone else, or, are we really building something between us here'?? On the other hand, there's this fucking guy who looks like a god who doesn't ignite anywhere near the same response that the boy [who almost is my god] does in me, but could develop into...hell, I think that just answered my dilemna. I could keep him a/r as an aquaintence/friend though. It looks like Master has me almost fully wrapped ladies and gentlemen.

I was @ the gym yesterday and I took a body blast class. It's the type that works on both cardio and muscle conditioning @ the same time. I haven't lifted weights in a couples weeks but I knew my strength was still with me so I opted for the usual 8lbs free weights. Well, what a fucking mistake that was?! The instructor did some crazy ass combos including both weights and legs and I'm looking @ her and she's using god damn 5 pounders. I just kept @ my weight until I could lift it anymore, which was almost never I might add...good for me, right? Wrong! By the end of the class my quads felt like thet were seizing up on me, my legs shook as I walked down and up the stairs, and my whole body is fucking tight as hell right now. Tomorrow is going to feel like hell, and you know what? I'm going to love and relish every minute, no second, of pain I feel b/c of it. Why? B/c I know it's good for me. I'll tell you though, what would feel perfect right now is if I had someone here to massage my whole body. I want every muscle to be stimulated, manipulated and relaxed, b/c tonight I'm heading back to that place again...just for a little bit more.

I'm doing my call-backs today, to check up on some of the agents I sent out to. This past w/e I realized just how coniving some of the people, you least expect to be, are. The only people who are going to be able to help me out in this industry are men and women who look nothing like me. Anyone who even slightly resembles me, is someone that I cannot associate with. All they'll do is bring me down or @ least try to. I have no fucking time to waste with people like that and they're all like that. 'Cause really, I waste enough mental energy with other trivial things to add any more to my list. My brain is highly over-active.

Love, CAT xXx