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Tuesday, Sept. 23, 2003, 10:57 a.m.: girlfriend...

Another day...yes it is. I watched 'Good Will Hunting' for the first time last night. Great movie! I think I'm in love with Ben Affleck [sp] now. I use to hate that fucker so much and then I saw him on the Actor's Studio and fell in love. Now that he's broken up with J.Lo it's great 'cause I can hook it up with him when I get out to Hollywood!!!!! He seems to be an ass man too...all that much more prefect for me. What? You think this is delusion?! Ha...never!!!

So I spoke with my 'ex' 'girlfriend' last night and we are going to get together next Thursday to have a bonding and healing session. Fuck, I really do love that girl...always have. She's just so iresponsible sometimes that I cannot [or could not] handle it. I think though that we've both grown up in the years we've been apart. There was no awkwardness between us, it was us both being vulnerable with each other and it was really nice. We did use to have so much fun together. Hmm, well we'll see how it goes.

So the DOP on my last film asked me out today. He totally wants me which puts the whole deal with 'the boy' kinda in a different perspective. I mean, this guy [besides the fact that he has a girlfriend, which rules him out already] pursues me in a way that 'the boy' doesn't. Shit thing is that I don't have any feelings [what-so-ever] for this guy. I can't figure out if my lack of feelings for anyone other than 'the boy' is b/c I am being prepared to go off and do amazing things in my career or if it's b/c I'm fucked up and pushing any kind of true intimacy away [again though, maybe for good reason]. Fuck, if I know. I probably will go out with him @ some point..I just have to make sure he knows that I want nothing more with him other than a friendship...totally platonic. I just feel that I have to go with my feelings and that will lead me in the direction I'm suppose to go in. I trust my insticts. Fuck, I want a girlfriend I think...lol.

Love, CAT xXx