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Friday, Jul. 25, 2003, 10:15 a.m.: helpless romantic...

I was wrong. What I thought was my epiphany turned out to be an elated view of MY seeming perfect world. I try to relinquish all control over my destiny in matters of love and all... but I find myself gripping tight the reins whenever I get the chance. There's this invisible line that seems to be drawn in the sand, in front of me. I want so much to cross over it, with a certain someone, and I'm constantly being stopped. It's quite cruel actually, but I keep telling myself that this is my learning experience. B/c it has to be. I cannot be so completely burning for one person for it not to be. I still don't know what it is I'm suppose to be learning here, and I guess you never do. I mean, I'm almost positive I know who this one is, but he keeps me on my fucking little toes!! Not until it's all been uncovered and on display will I be sure though. But, I'm the type of person who likes to guess the endings to movies and stories and shit, 'cause I think I feel like I'm out-smarting someone or something. I think he knows this though a/b me and it keeps getting me in trouble. Maybe he doesn't realize that deep down I want everything he does. I'm scared shitless though to express that to him...for fear of rejection maybe...for fear of fucking up what we have. Or, maybe I'm just waiting for the right time to do it. I'm such a fucking hopeless romantic. It's really quite disgusting actually.

Love, CAT xXx