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Tuesday, Jul. 22, 2003, 9:30 a.m.: fucked...

I found this awesome group of quotes the other day: 'Brave men tell the truth'. 'The wise man's tools are analogies and puzzles'. 'A woman holds her tongue, knowing silence will speak for her'. Now, first off I feel that the word 'men' or 'man' means both sexes. Second, while I feel that the last quote can be very true...I don't think it should have been specified for 'women' only, b/c then it just makes it look like a very sexist saying, used only to subordinate women. While saying that I still agree with all of them...very much so. I always find quotes that ring true to my psyche and I note them.

So, yesterday I found something out, for sure, that could change the whole course of my life. I've tried to adopt this new mantra [ever since leaving my ex] of not trying to control the outcomes of situations. I mean, I guess to some sort of extent we do...it's just natural. But, I've been very dedicated to allowing my destiny to just unravel as it's suppose to. Especially in matters of the heart, b/c shit like that should not be forced. It's something that is either meant to happen or not...if it should, you know. Well over the last year I've been getting strong signals, from the universe, that something should be in my life. I just found out yesterday that this someone is totally meant to be in my life...cause it's never final until both people can see the same thing. Do you ever feel like you're spinning through the world in direct magnetic attraction to your matching puzzle piece? Like you're spinning and spinning, being drawn together, and torn apart, and drawn together until @ some point something clicks and both parts end up fitting together like ying and yang. That's what I've felt like for over a year now.

On that note, I have to mention my terrible dream. I had this freaky ass, almost nightmare, last night. I was taking some sort of class in this warehouse and in the basement room there was this cult operating there. It was totally fucked. I mean, the walls were all shaddy, like walls of a run down warehouse where maybe livestock was butchered and hung. It was completely nasty!! I had parked my car across the street and had walked over to this place and rumor was going a/r of the group there. Everyone decided to just fuck off cause nobody wanted to deal with them. As I was trying to get back to my car there was this man there talking gibberish and looking all fucked up. He started throwing this book in my face and calling me the child of satan and shit. I was there with someone else [a guy, I think] who I was trying to protect, b/c I found myself being the agressor in the situation. Eventually we drove this guy away, but I found that my car had been either stolen or moved...cause it was gone. As we tried to get out of that area we came across all these fucked up people that we literally had to dodge. It was very fucked!! They were basically some group of religious fanatics that we all brain-washed into a collective, trying to recruit everyone they came into contact with. It scared the fuck out of me. Especially when @ one point there was this little kid standing in this nasty hallway pointing @ the wall, that had an arrow drawn on it in like blood or something. The arrow pointed to the supposed room where all these fucking crazies were gathered. Not a fun dream to wake up to and have to try to erase memory of, in the middle of the night. Fuck!

Love, CAT xXx