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Thursday, Jul. 17, 2003, 8:49 a.m.: confidence...

Okay, how proud am I of myself?! I went to the mall last night with my girlfriend, which happens to be a very familiar place for us, and I didn't buy a single thing. Can you fucking believe that shit?! Usually I'm sucked in by the littlest thing. It's so fun to buy new stuff, but last night I solely helped her buy jeans. It's pretty good for me!!

So lately my mind has become infested with two things. One being my acting, the other being M.R. He has pretty much become a part of my daily routine...somehow he was incorporated. You know, I promised myself that with him I was not going to force anything. If he didn't care a/b me, from the centre of his being, then I didn't fucking want him. Cause I'm usually severely intense, with most things...and I mean, he thinks I'm already intense as it is. So I've tried to just let things be and hope that fate would drop everything where it was suppose to go. So far, it's worked out pretty good, considering my lack of control over the situation [the way I'm use to] has left me expressing sudden outbursts or emotion every here and there, that I'm sure he thinks are a tad nuts. Slight under-statement there. Hey, I never thought it would be easy to just give up a whole way of being! It takes work...like every other fucking thing in my life...in everyone's life, I guess.

I got a call last night from a director who saw my screening the other night. He wants me to come in and read for his film, and 3 others. Not bad, eh? I was impressed...with myself, of course!! I guess this is how it works in Hollywood too. You're work is seen and then every other director a/r wants to see you work, and your original director keeps you in mind for future work. It's pretty awesome! I already have a feature I'm going to work on with my last director, the one I hung out with this past Tuesday. She's a great person...in love with me...but great all the same. If it's not some guy wanting to fuck you, it's some woman. She gave me some good advice though, in regards to finding an agent. She suggested what I was thinking of doing. She said I should just walk into the offices and ask for an interview. I suppose that she thinks my look or charm will get me in right off the bat. It's cool cause it confirms my thoughts...so instead of being conceited a/b the matter, I'm just confident now. We'll see how it all goes.

Love, CAT xXx