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Friday, Jun. 06, 2003, 8:58 a.m.: fuck...

The verdict: I didn't go yesterday. I didn't feel like going down all by myself and I was kinda pissed @ my girlfriend for bailing on me. But, once my anger subsided I came to the conclusion that I obvioulsy didn't want to really go...otherwise I would have. So no need to be all huffy a/b someplace I would not have chosen to go to on my own anyways, buddy system dilemna aside. My girlfriend made a good point: If it had been an acting audition and someone had decided not to go I still would've gone... no matter what. That pretty much put it into perspective for me. I sometimes need people to do that for me, when I go off on a tangent. I don't mean to blame other people, b/c ultimately it's my decision, but I end up isolating myself from them b/c I automaticlly think it has to do with my dependance [in some way] on them. I guess in essence I am blaming them then. How fucking complicated!!

Tomorrow I've got my big shoot day and I'm also heading to a call-back for a pilot I may be in. Then Sunday and Monday I'm continuing and finishing the shoot. I sent out 20 update letters to agents yesterday too. Once a month I'm going to send letters telling them what new work I've been doing. This way they can remember who the hell I am and they can see that I'm constantly getting 'work'. Basically I'm brain-washing them [in a sense] into understandng that I am a commodity and that I can make them money. Ultimately that is what it comes down to...can this chick make me the $$. Yes I can you fuckers!!!!!

Love, CAT xXx