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Thursday, Jun. 05, 2003, 8:50 a.m.: how bad...

I knew it! I should never get too close to people. I work so much better on my own, but I end up being so isolated that way. It's a no win situaton here. Okay here's the thing. Whenever I get into the buddy mode [you know, going to auditions with people...working side by side] I get almost dependent on them. Then when something goes not according to plan, like say your friend dropping out of an audition last minute, I too want to blow the thing off. I'm scheduled to go to this dance audition, but we both decided that we would only go if both of us went. I just checked my messages on my phone to find out that my friend has decided not to go anymore...of course now I don't want to go either. We were suppose to go together. See this is what I mean. If I had just stuck to doing everything by myself I wouldn't be stuck in this stupid [and it is really so stupid] dilemna. This particular audition requires strong ballet dancers and we both took ballet for many years. But since taking ballet we've both been off for a while and were sort of wondering what level of dancers we would encounter @ the audition. So we decided to head out as a team so that we wouldn't feel so shit, if by chance we ended up sucking royally compared to everyone else. I mean, there's a difference between someone whose danced in the past and someone who continuously dances. Ballet has not been my class of choice lately when I go to practise. So now, I'm stuck. Which brings me back to my first point...if I had just either decided to go, or not to go to this audition on my own, I would not be having this problem. Dependance is a trap set by the devil I tell you. I'm being very over-dramatic here...I realize. I guess it now comes down to this...how bad do I want it?

Love, CAT xXx