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Wednesday, Jun. 04, 2003, 10:12 a.m.: I am, I will...

If drive is any indication of whether I am going to make it in this business, then I'm going to reach the fucking top. I've decided that I have two paths for myself. One is the yellow brick road that will lead to fame, fortune, acknowledgment, etc through my acting. The other brick road would lead me to settling down with a husband and kids. I want both really. But I'm the kind of person who has to be totally involved and immersed in whatever I'm doing. So let's say I do marry and 'settle down', so to speak... my ideal relationship would be to go into business with my partner. Cause that way I can keep the 'family' together and I've always got my eye on what my spouse is doing. Not to say that I wouldn't trust who I'm with [b/c I need my sanity!], but I need alot of attention and I have many posessive traits that must be fed. It's just my innate being and I really cannot curb that sort of shit, that much. On the other hand, if that doesn't happen for me, I will be so deeply buried in what I want to achieve in my acting career that nothing will stop me. It would posses my mind and body the way the boy I love would [does]. It's all a/b transference...cause if it's not one thing, it will be another. That, I've come to understand very clearly a/b myself. I like to build and create and nurture and posses. Everything I do goes through each stage, @ times 'destroy' might enter the equation. I keep coming to these realizations...it's pretty cool. It's like I'm accepting myself for who and what I am, nothing more and nothing less. Yesterday night in class when my acting teacher was describing what he thought the formula to success was, I realized that I have all ingredients. It was so empowering to understand that my life, up to now, had developed the qualities I need to get to where I want to go. There are a zillon dreamers but very few doers...as he put it. I need nobody to tell me so either, I just know that I am. I'm in a great mood today.

Love, CAT xXx