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Wednesday, May. 14, 2003, 9:09 a.m.: Chili Peppers baby!!!

Red Hot Chili Peppers kicked major ass last night!!! As soon as they came on stage, and Anthony started his crazy gestures, my girlfriend looked @ me and goes...'Fuck, he is SO your guy!'. I never realized until then how much they have influenced me, my life, the way I try to live each day. It was quite the discovery. I mean, I never thought it was that easy, but I love these guys with everything I have. They got me through my teen years semi-safely... they're still the only constant pretty much. So today I'm in my RHCP gear...in honour of my boys. Love them!!!!! I watched last night, half in a trance, moving my body to the music. For the finale they performed my most favorite song ever...Sir Psycho Sexy...I was freaking!!!!! It was so amazing!

While I was @ the concert I got a call from the director I had auditioned for on Monday...the one where I had to sit on his lap. He said he wanted me to come down and block for two different parts. So tonight I'm going to go and if one of them isn't a good enough part, then I'm not doing it. 'Good enough' being a speaking role, so we'll see. Then I have to head to my play rehearsal. I'm hoping that tonight I will be fully off book, complete with blocking. The show goes up in a little under 2 weeks and we have to get this thing going. I feel as if this time a/r our director is out of touch with us and everything. It could also be that she was always out of touch and I just never new any better...that's probably exactly what it is.

I'm kinda pissed now. Just got off the phone with M.R. See I hate it when I can't control someone. I hate when I have no barring over what someone does or says. I'm fair though, b/c as much as I want to control them I will allow them to control me. I notice I'm very discreet in how I go a/b asserting control these days. I use to be a crazy bitch and scare those I needed into submission, and then I only managed it while they were a/r me. Once I wasn't there it was total rebellion...so I got smart. Now, I find myself manipulating so that things go my way. See with M.R., we're not together yet so when he gets all defiant on me my defenses kick in. And it's funny b/c when the defenses kick in it's almost a total 360 in me. It's completely out of neccesity... to keep myself safe. So when he hits the jealous nerve, b/c I know he is not fully mine yet, I pull away and start to focus my energies on other guys. I tell myself that in order to keep in control I have to give away my sexual energy to other boys. Until, he somehow pulls me back a/r and back into him again. The story of my life...

I just got a call from the director that chased me up the stairs on Monday. She basically gave me the role of a girl named 'Pinky', in a prison story. Shooting is happening @ the end of May and I may have to sing for it too. Don't know quite what she's thinking for that but I guess we'll see. We'll see, we'll see!

Love, CAT xXx