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Tuesday, May. 20, 2003, 8:48 a.m.: butterfly...

Victoria Day weekend and all I did was relax. It was nice...everyone went away this w/e so I was left to pure peace and quiet. I finally got all of my laundry done, cleaned my bedroom, rested my brain and body, and just basically renewed my being. The shit thing was that my girlfriend kept calling and driving me battty with her obsessive compulsiveness over this guy. I still listened to her, but I had to cut it short. I mean, if it was someone that was worth the obsession and was giving some indication of interest [other than physical] I could be more understanding. But, she wants him emotionally and she knows she can't have him that way, yet she continues to try to elude herself...that I cannot perpetuate.

Oh ya, I forgot that I had been away Friday. We shot the latest short and, while I was excited @ being the main character in the film, I was annoyed with the filming process. Mind you, we spent the most time on my scene [which was cool] but I hate waiting for everyone else to get their parts shot. You have to sit a/r and twiddle your thumbs. Friday was a complete shit day too...rainy and cloudy...I was depressed from the second I got in my car to drive to the shoot. Thankfully there was a friend of mine on set who kept me thoroughly entertained for the day. We shot inside a really nice club, but it was so dark that I wanted to slit my wrists to escape the agony of lowered dopamine levels. I really need sunlight otherwise I get terribly depressed. I have yet to hear anything a/b the film and apparently it was to be edited and ready for us by now. I'd better get my copy of it pronto, cause I need that shit!

Saturday was a double audition day, nothing too exciting. I notice though that when I audition for things I'm kept inside alot longer than most people. I take that as a good sign. It may still not get me anything but I know that I'm that much closer to the 'prize'. To correctly judge myself I have to pay attention to what is always going on a/r me, otherwise I get wrapped up in my own opinion of myself and nobody elses. My opinion of myself is not always what someone else would see, and I want to see what others see too. My Sunday audition was amazing! It was one of those ones where I had to play fear and hysteria...I'm really good @ that kind of shit. Fear, anger, panic, all intense negative emotions I can feel so strongly and pull off to great heights. On the other hand, it's the most vulnerable and positive of feelings that I find very hard to play. Love and tenderness...open feelings have been my biggest challenge and only recently have I been able to begin to express them. When I fiished my audition my whole body was in a panic...I was shaking and I had to actually calm down in order to talk to them properly. They were starring @ me all wide eyed and while I was there I was told that I was guaranteed a call-back...something they 'should never say to anyone'. I thanked them and promised that I would come back and do my sociopath monologue for them next time a/r. Walking out of that audition made my day and then M.R. called me later that night and put the cherry on top.

Tonight I start my scene study class with my new 'wonder' teacher. I'm crossing my fingers that he is everything I'm expecting him to be. I witnessed how he works and it was great, but I need to now see how his style translates to me... to how I work. Time will tell. Oh and Matrix kicked ass!!! I went to see it yesterday with a girlfriend and I was thoroughly impressed. I even got severely emotional during one scene. I couldn't believe it, but I was balling my eyes out. I have to go see it again! On the drive back to her place, I got on the hwy and thought I was in the movie during the car chase scene. She was gripping the door rail so tight, she had to actually tell me that I was freaking her out. When I get into that mode though, it's like my perception is amplified and I can see every car so clearly...every move they're going to make I can detect b/f they make it. It's fucking awesome!!! Of course, I could also be deluding myself...ha! So now it's into another week, refreshed and better than b/f.

Love, CAT xXx