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Monday, May. 12, 2003, 9:09 a.m.: out of control...

I had such a good w/e!!!!! And the funny thing a/b it is that I didn't even party, drink alot, or dance till I was almost dead... Friday night I went down to a screening downtown with my girlfriend. It featured some local directors' recently finished films. M.R. met up with us there and introduced us to some directors. We gave out some resumes and listened to this one guy yap on and on a/b his current production. Actually today I'll be auditioning for him...but, if I don't get a good role I'm not doing it. Anyways, while I don't particularly care for the whole schmoozing thing, I manage to put it in a positive perspective and enjoy my time. I find that there is always something to be gained or learned. Could be my optimistic nature kicking in, but whatever it is, it works. I also love to people watch, so that alone can keep me quite enticed and occupied for long amounts of time. One of the films being screened was actually one that I came very close to being cast in. The reason I didn't get it was b/c I wouldn't take my shirt off for them. Of course, that scene wasn't even in the film that night... apparently it was cut out.

Saturday was another audition day. I met with M.R. again, b/c we had the same time slot. I loved being able to see him so much this w/e...it totally made my day/night...whatever! So we both went in and did our best. We've come to the conclusion that we are each other's good luck charms. We kick ass when we're together...total force of nature! I hope I did as well as I think I did. I played a psychiatrist that is studying a patient who has lived his whole life blind, but isn't aware of that fact. The script was pretty good and the production team seemed equally as good. Once we finished up there I went with him to another audition. It turned out that there were no big [worthwhile] female parts for me to audition for, but @ that point I was just happy to be with him. One of my girlfriend's has this analogy a/b being with someone you really care a/b. She says it's like you're willing to walk to the water and scrape through dirt and it feels like so much fun. Not that this was like scraping dirt, but fuck I'd so enjoy rolling in the damn dirt with this guy if I had to! I feel so feminine and soft when I'm a/r him. [Funny that I say that a/f admitting to rolling a/r in mud with him]. As time goes by I just keep melting deeper and deeper into him. I'm in a potentially dangerous situation here...haha. Saturday night I went by my Aunt's place b/c I had missed her birthday the week b/f, cause I was so hung-over. She made this awesome dinner for me... it was so good. I was so tired b/c I had gotten up that morning @ 6am and then gone out to breakfast with a girlfriend. I basically went home and just crashed that night...I was so exhausted.

Sunday was Mother's Day. I woke up early and went out to buy everyone their Mother's Day stuff. It's crazy how much $$ cards are these days. I mean, I think I bought 3 and I spent like $20 on them. It was insane! So I did the rounds, visiting all the 'Mother's' in my family...wishing them a great day and shit. Then I went over to MY Mother's place and had dinner with her, spent some time with my little sister, watched Harry Potter...love that movie! Then M.R. called me and said he wanted to come and watch my film [the one I was in]. So we planned for him to meet me @ my Grandmother's place to watch it. I was so fucking nervous, it was killing me! My Grandmother stayed with my parents and I went back to her/my place and waited for him to come by. When he got there I was even more nervous...I couldn't keep still. I felt a bit out of place @ my Grandmother's...it's not exactly MY territory, and it's a bit creepy. I could tell he was nervous too @ first. Nothing happened... I didn't jump ontop of him, I didn't try to maul him and he was a fucking total gentleman. I am so not use to this!!!! My nervousness was somewhat stunting and I sort of felt awkward @ times. When he was a/b to leave he got all funny on me. We were sort of looking @ each other and talking all dazed and brain mushed. When the time comes that he puts his cock in me...HOLY FUCKING JEEZUZ...it's going to be...complete submission. I can't believe it's taking so long though!!! I asked him if I was being good enough for him...the fact that I didn't straddle him, like I wanted to. He laughed. I mean, how is it that he can control me like this?! I'm in fucking awe...

Love, CAT xXx