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Friday, May. 09, 2003, 8:42 a.m.: that way...

So this sort of put a nice spin on my night. I went to rehearsal, last night, with the 2nd cast I will be performing with. I actually like the chemistry more so with this group than with my 1st [familiar] cast. It's not often, that you vibe so well with a new group of people. Mind you, I had nothing to say to them while they were all talking amoung themselves, but as soon as we got on stage it was really amazing. I was starting to get all weird a/b having to do all 6 shows, but then I realized if I'm going to have to BE @ all 6 shows then why not be IN all 6?!

Tonight, I'm going to my girlfriend's place and we're going to watch the feature we were in together. She picked it up and went through it to watch our scene and she said it was really good. So, now I have to see for myself. This is going to be the first time I actually watch myself on screen, and I'm kind nervous a/b it. I'll probably be closing my eyes through it the frist time I watch. All I know is that it's a/b time I got this film! Now, I can use it to make a demo for myself for my next round of mail-outs to agents. You know, I found some more stupid, picky shit that apparently you HAVE to take into consideration when sending out your 'packages'. All things that I failed to do of course! I can't beleive how finiky this business is...well, I guess I can. I mean, nothing would really surprise me in general.

The 'director', from the film that I'm suppose to be choreographing a dance for, is still avoiding my DIRECT questions to him and going over me and demanding info on what's happening. I'm already in a bind b/c one of the girls has moved and never told me a/b it and now I can't get ahold of her. "Director man' though had been pretty much written off by me a/b 2 weeks ago, b/c he didn't seem like he was ontop of this project. It just seemed like he wanted to be ontop of ME. SO anyways, I'm going to have to break the news to him that I will no longer be able to work for him. I can't keep this going with NO set completion date, NO organization, NO determination or perseverence from the 'director', and NO respect from him either. I have so much to do right now that this has totally become a burden on my back and he seems none too concerned a/b finsihing this shit. Next time I agree to give my FREE time like that I'm going to get a contract written up first. Live and fucking learn.

I cleared up my hair situation, and we're going to work a/r the color issue. The scene will, first of all, be shot @ night so that's a bonus. Then we decided that if we needed it to look red we can spray some red color in it instead. I also decided that for the first time a/r I should color it a dark brown so that it's not too hard to go over, if need be. M.R. was being all curt with me when I asked for the director's number. He wouldn't give it to me, for some reason, and 'directed' me to his e-mail adress instead. Maybe he thought I wanted to get in his pants, maybe he didn't think I should be bothering him by phone, maybe he was just being an asshole. Maybe, maybe, maybe!!! I just e-mailed him instead. I had figured though that if I spoke to him directly it would be more professional, you know. Anyway, it was cool.

So, again I had a sex dream. It's in my conscious mind, my sub-conscious mind. It's haunting the shit out of me! This time it was an old ex of mine that was in the dream. My girlfriend was in it too, the one who I'm pretty sure fucked a/r with him while I was forbidden to be with him in my teens. So, b/c in my teens I was completely restricted from going and doing anything [and yes, my parents were very good]. Any little thing I thought I got away with they cracked down on and tried to stunt me. They managed this, until I was old enough to do what the fuck I wanted...then I lived out my teen years [in my late teens and early twenties] and stunted my own life..but I digress [I've always wanted to use that]. So in this dream I'm all over him b/c we never had a chance to be together [other than once] and I had to prove to him that I was the best chick he'd ever had in bed. Now seriously, who fucking cares?!?! The guy was totally in love with me. He use to get his friends to drive him past my place and he'd just sit and watch my window all mopey and love sick. This must explain my want and need to please whomever I'm with [with with, not just fucking with]. I know that I would do almost anything my partner wanted [within reason I guess], just to please him and prove to him. It's my driving need, force, whatever you wanna call it. It's always been that way.

Love, CAT xXx