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Tuesday, Apr. 08, 2003, 10:16 a.m.: the shit...

Better...I'm better today. Yea, it feels good. I'm in a state of 'something' today. I can't quite tell whether it's anger or sadness...it's just a very numb feeling. I've noticed that I tend to feel numb now where I use to feel such strong emotions. I can't decided yet if it's b/c I'm dealing better or if it's b/c I choose to block out the feelings. Things just come out of me in bursts now. Bursts of anger, bursts of joy, bursts of annoyance. Sometimes it's not related to anything per se that's going on, it's just a reaction to whatever. Completely irrational. I figure I'll just ride it for now. If it gets out of hand, then I'll worry.

My girl friend just scored a really good agent yesterday. I'm happy for her. @ least in my mind I'm happy for her, and I told her that. But inside I don't feel much really. @ the same time I'm a bit jealous cause she's got herself set for now and I'm still looking... but I figure, everything happens for a reason. Again, inside the jealousy isn't sparking a feeling. Maybe I'm changing as a person. Anyways, what keeps me going is that I feel a strong sense of destiny surrounding me. That and the fact that I know that the longer it takes to get what I want, and the more I struggle, the more I'll appreciate it. That's how I am. This is just making me more determined to find an agent. Things like this make me want to push harder and work pased my limits. Also the fact that my mother has decided to go out and get my 8 yr old sister an agent is kinda hard to swallow as well...making for more of a reason to push. I know I'm being a total child a/b it though, so I just brush it aside and let it fly away. Cause I want my sister to be happy in whatever she does and I love her very much, but my mother is just a bitch in my eyes. I feel like she does things to spite me and, aside from driving me to violent thoughts, it hurts...and so I have to let it go, b/f it festers in me and explodes in the wrong way.

I also feel very grateful to have really good friends surrounding me. I don't know what I'd do w/o them. They are truly who I consider to be my family, b/c they are the ones who support and encourage me. Everyone needs that structure a/r them...I strongly believe that. Well, I'm going to go and concentrate on how I'm going to land an agent. And when I'm going to finally be famous and forget a/b all the shit. Although, I do want to explore everything really and I guess that probably includes the shit too.

Love, CAT xXx