Tuesday, Feb. 04, 2003, 4:50 p.m.: another one...
Today has been a fucked one! That is quite an under-statement actually. A/f having a dream a/b my ex on the w/e, he contacted me and proceeded to explain to me how he's living again @ our old building. This time though he's apparently in a PH apartment and basically asked for me to go see him. My first reaction was total and utter confusion and 'why the fuck is he trying to fuck with my head again'. I mean, he's got to be some stupid ass fuck (which I know he isn't) to think that just b/c he's living in a PH I'm going to be all happy and shit and ready to go see him and get back together. He didn't even call me on my B-day! He didn't even wish me a Happy New Year! He hasn't made any sort of effort to connect with me the way I always needed him to and he thinks that just b/c he's 'back on hs feet' and making money that I should give a shit!!!!!!! Manipulation and king of it. I've moved into my pissed stage, but earlier I was so confused and hurt. I mean he knows that I loved him so much that I was practically willing to give my god damn life for him and he continues to play on that and I cannot take it. He first contacted me yesterday and I was stunned. He left me some 'warning' e-mail pretending that he gave two shits a/b my well-being. That threw me first off...to the point where my mother called me to see what was wrong with me. She said that I was acting very irrational with her and there must be something up. By that point I had already gotten the new e-mail from the ex and so I told her. She was pissed cause she hates him so much. She was helpful though in how to approach him and I was grateful. I told her I wanted to ask 'nsnb' a/b it and she gave me this look like I was crazy. She said it wasn't 'right' to ask him a/b my ex, considering I'm hoping for something to come from us. I got hugely emotional and started crying b/c I try so hard to relate to him and then when I do everyone tells me that I'm doing it wrong. That I shouldn't say this or I shouldn't say that. It was just over load of frustration and I couldn't take it. I am, however, better now...and he did help me with the situation. And so this goes right back to my venting in my previous entry where it was all a/b me. I was somewhat over-reacting, but I strongly believe still and always that who I am is who he or anybody else has to love. Take it or leave it...I am who I am, and that's that.
Love, CAT XXX