Wednesday, Jan. 08, 2003, 8:55 a.m.: it may be sick...
I realized on my way to work how fucking cranky I am today. Then I justified it with the realization that I've got my bitchy monthly friend visiting. I hate when I feel like this though, b/c I end up being filled with so much tension. My shoulder seems to be killing me today for some reason too...it is drving me nuts right now. I don't think I slept very well either. My eyes are puffy, my head hurts, my neck is stiff. I need my own bed back soon or I'm going to go mental. On days like this I just need pampering, cause everything bothers me.
I went for my pic consultation yesterday and the chick is awesome. I'm totally liking her and she is definately going to do my pics for me. I just have to organize everything, so that I can get my hair re-dyed too. The only thing I don't like is that she gets to keep all the negatives, unless some kind of prior arrangement is made. Now, I'm not sure yet what that means...it could just mean what it says or I may have to pay some sort of fee for them, or maybe they're only given to certain individuals (not for head shots). I'm not too sure, but I'm going to ask for them cause I fucking want them. They are mine and I'm paying her enough money. We'll see how it goes. All in all, I can have this all done within a week. Then my plan to get an agent comes into play. HAHA! Okay, it isn't any sort of real plan...it's just an aim and shoot kinda thing. Then when I get into an office it's an arrow straight to the heart (translation=wow them with my performance and personality). I know I can do it.
I found my last dancer too yesterday. I think the director wants to use the dance now for his feature. He keeps changing his mind with me and basically I may be doing this for only a part as the dancer in the sequence. Hmmm, I wont be too pleased with that situation if that's the case. I guess I'll just take it one step @ a time and see where he's going with this. Live and learn right. He has the control right now, but if he tries to fuck me over I'll make sure the dance isn't done for him. That's just the end of it...even though I could use him as a contact. The integrity of people today is sickening. I may be getting ahead of myself here, but I've got this feeling going on.
I got into a big discussion yesterady with my sister re: my ex friend who I'm suupose to be rekindling some kind of friendship with. I mentioned that I am sort of hesitant a/b calling her, for some reason. We ended up in this 'almost argument' b/c I was trying to explain my reasons and she was totally disagreeing with me. It was very disheartening b/c all I was trying to do was express my feelings on the situation (incidents where she understood where I was coming from in the past) and all she could do was try to make me see how this girl has changed. It was somewhat hard to b/c I trust my views of a person mores o than I turst my sister's, just b/c I have more experience with people...especially people who have fucked me over. Anyways, she completely took her side in the matter. Now, I shouldn't exactly take anything to heart there b/c she's got her own issues, and alot of what she had to say to me stemmed from her own feelings of guilt too. My sister has never exactly been a good friend to anyone. I on the otherhand, while not perfect unfortunately, can be completely unbiased in my situation with this girl...b/c I have pulled away from her. I guess it just bothered me that she couldn't see, now, my pain in the relationship...she could only identify with the ex friend's pain. Whatever though, I am going to talk to her and I'm going to expose all the things that pissed me off all those years. All the things that I don't think a friend should do. Yes, I have high standards with my friends...that's why I pick my close friends so fucking carefully. That's why I can't get too close until you open up to me, that's why all my instincts kick in when I meet people, that's why I feel so alone in this world. It is, though, how I live and deal...and it's in direct relation to how I am as a friend and how I give to the people I care a/b. I trust myself and the person I am, it's everyone else I have to learn to trust and that takes a while. It really has to be earned and as sick as that may sound, to some people, it's the way I live.I Am A: True Neutral Elf Paladin
Love, CAT XXX