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Thursday, Dec. 05, 2002, 10:52 a.m.: not yet...

The last week has been quite enlightening for me. Certain realizations of my own have come back to the forefront of my mind. Fear breeds fiends who will just rip away @ your soul, you know. @ some point you must just face it...even if you feel like you would rather just die. I would rather be honest with myself...then I wouldn't be so confused all the time. Even if the reality of that honesty is far away...it is better to have faith and hope and integrity. My soul will be free from harm b/c inside I would know what it is I need. And really only I know. So 'not so neW guy' either opened my heart to what it is I am really a/b and that will guide me for the future or he is what I am a/b. Only time will answer that one. As much as I think by some spiritual and earthly connection we are bound together, only the outcome of our 'relationship' will prove me right or wrong.

I think this is what got erased on Monday: He spoke to me on Saturday night and opened my heart to possibilities that I had begun to doubt. He said things to me I thought no boy could ever say...or would ever say. He layed infront of me a person I have always wanted in my life. And the next morning when I opened my eyes...tears fell from them. I felt no hurt or loss or pain...it was pure calm and release and @ first I couldn't understand why. Then I realized how much negative energy was inside me and how it so needed to be released. I'm sure there's more though...I can't be perfect...yet.