Wednesday, Nov. 27, 2002, 8:59 a.m.: my angst...
You know, I went over to my aunts place on Sunday, for my little cousin's b-day. It was a strange experience for me, cause as soon as everyone got there I could see the dynamics of every relationship moving a/r me. I chalked it up to acting and really being able to view situations and relationships. @ first it was cool and I was enjoying it, besides the fact that I was sort of disgusted b/c I was watching how some people in my family go out of their way to make others feel like complete shit. It was a totally tense afternoon. Sibling rivalry and your usual family drama. For once I decided not to get in the middle of it. I was not the opinionated loud mouthed freak, fighting her point across...appearing like she was attacking everyone just to justify her reasoning to some discussion. I sat back and watched and felt and saw everything happening. It was beginning to irritate my nerves. I thought to myself...I think this acting thing is going to end up a curse for me b/c I have to go through these emotions with everyone all @ the same time. Not only can I pick this shit up, extra now, but my mind works in fast motion so I don't miss anything. That's complete over load if you ask me. Good thing my natural capacity to feel in everyday life has been numbed, otherwise I would never be able to handle it. It was very fucked up. My mother seems to be the central figure that is the most fucked up and delusional. Normally she's attacking me and everyone and I'm the first one to bite back...if not the only one. For some reason I'm singled out as the one who she wants to annoy or irritate. I don't quite know if she does it on purpose...I assume she does but, it's hard to be objective in your own situation. As far as anyone else can tell she does too. I'm very lucky to have the most special aunt that I have now. For the past 3 years she has changed my outlook and my approach to things and I'll love her whole- heartidly for that. It actually makes me tear. Anyways, this time I hardly had to say a word. And if I did I didn't raise my voice, and I only said enough to make a quick point and then suddenly everyone else was in there like flies on shit. It was very amusing to watch. I was amazed. My mother is always full of shit. I couldn't believe how I could calmly make one comment (that she denied and disagreed with) and then as I sat back and watched she slowly hung herself and proved my point. Maybe b/f I needed the glory of feeling and knowing that I was right and she was wrong, but it got me nowhere. We still fought like cats and she still delusionally held a grudge towards me...and I felt guily, like I was the bad one. @ one point I kind of felt sorry for her, but then I realized that she 'made her bed', as they say. I stick up for her only when I think she's in the right and only b/c she's my mother, otherwise I can't give a fuck. It's sad to say but I love her b/c I have to and I feel sorry for her.
Yesterday I went by my parents to do some laundry and she had a tenseness towards me. I felt it as soon as I said hello. I decided to ignore it and get on with my business. She completely favors my younger sister over me and it's clear to myself and everyone else a/r me. Yea, it hurts but it's numb...and then you know, that numbness just becomes an issue. It festers into something else until it's relieved by someone else. It's a chain fucking reaction. So no matter what I ever do it will never be good enough, for her @ least. I will never get her praise and/or recognition that's fine, cause I can live with being satisfied on my own. It's cool I guess. I really have no choice in this matter @ all, and I'm sure these cards have been dealt to me for a reason. I just want someone like me. You know that song 'feel' (it comes up again)...it explains it to the full extent. I want a kindred spirit, someone to really share my feelings and hurt and joy and love and sex and life. I think it's been WAY too long that I haven't had an emotional connection with someone...I think it's been something like 10 years. Sometimes I get scared. casue I wonder if I can even make that connection. But, knowing me like I do...it will never hold me back for very long. I've grown accustomed to breaking free from the chains. I'm always in search of higher truth, in and with everything, and I'm grateful that that is a trait I embrace and nurture. I'm still just growing up.
Love, CAT XXX