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2002-10-01, 8:52 a.m.: smiling...

I think I just almost squished a disk in my spine. I jumped up onto this counter to grab the whitener, for the coffee, and when I landed I was in this fucked up position. It really hurt and now I'm babying it. I've got some physio set up for me and my back b/c of that accident. I'm all bruised on my left side.

I heard that Jodie has a boy visiting in November. I am so happy for her!! A little jealous (in a good way), but happy. She deserves all the good things that I think are heading her way. I will channel much luck for her...XXX

The palm of my hand has been itching me and I just figured out that I have a paper cut there. No wonder! It's a pretty long one too.

My life so far, in recent weeks, has been good. My ex has stopped e-mailing me, b/c I never responded to him. He's one of these very cautious types and I don't think he'll even bother calling me, like he said, b/c of my lack of response to him. I'm kind of relieved b/c I have a serious soft spot for him and I would probably give in. I don't want to though. If he does call I'm going to have to tell him that I can't see him. I have to be strong in the boy department...since they are so many times my weakness. What can you do?

New boy#1 is awesome. I know I'm not ready to get into a new relationship yet, even though it's tempting. Fucked thing is that my previous relationship was so god damn messed up that I'm confused as to what is real and what is artificial now. I'm sort of feeling a/r in the dark right now. He's a good guy, so far as I can see. We have lots in common. I trust him...oddly enough, which I'm not sure yet is good or bad. He's sane and reserved, I'm insane and a bit crazy. I can see it working out and all that shit, but I'm freaked out too. He's also a tad stronger than me and thank god for that other wise we'd probably already hate each other. Although sometimes, his tough attitude makes me not like him...even though I know I need it. Our chosen career paths are a bonus and a hinderance though. What can you do? I feel like I'm still an 18 year old when it comes to relationships. I can see the big picture, in every which way, I just don't know what to do with it. I need guidance obviously.

New boy#2 is history. I'm not even bothering calling him back. He gave me no mental stimuation what-so-ever. I could have fallen asleep listening to him babble, and he doesn't give a shit a/b anything I say or do for that matter. He thinks just b/c he drives a BMW, and has money that I'm going to fall @ his feet...please. @ first I was thinking he'd be a good fuck, but then I was like 'No, he's not even worth that'. What can you do? I mean, you have to interest me in some aspect to be good enough to fuck. Sheesh.

I've got 2 auditions lined up for this week, and I'm banking on more. I haven't heard back re: the movie yet. They'll call me either way so I just HOPE that I'm in their good books still. *Crosses fingers* I just want to work, get experience, etc, etc. Climb as I may up that hill, I want to learn all I can from all the people a/r me. I have to read the play I'm auditioning for, so I've gotta pick it up @ the library today or tomorrow. Rememeber when I said I was going to read in my spare time? Well, I have been...it's been going well. I'm happy a/b that. I'm happy.