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2002-09-16, 9:09 a.m.: fucking brain fried...

I'm totally @ my wits end. My mind has been working over time and I need to shut it down soon. My weekend was hectic as hell. Jammed packed straight through. I had work to do in each and every hour of the days. You know, if I get this part for the movie...I'm gonna have to take a week off from this job b/f I start there. Apparently it's 12 to 14 hr days and I'm going to be severely emotionally drained. I'm still @ the point where I can't get new boy#1 out of my head. I try and I try and he keeps popping up. So, I need to figure out what it is a/b him or a/b me that is facilitating this obsession. It's total insanity that I feel this way a/b him, I think. I can't figure out yet if my confusion re: him is b/c he may care a/b me more than I want him too, or b/c I care a/b him more than he cares a/b me. I'm still wondering if my ability or non-ablility (is that a word?) to love someone affects my decisions and my choice of man or non choice of man. It's quite confusing and in the end I end up being pissed @ the guy. So, do I do this in order to get away from any kind of emotioanl attachment or are they real assholes, and if they're assholes...why do I want them. Is it 'me' who is afraid of commitment? It's been hurting my brain. That ontop of all the physical work I did this w/e just knocke dme out. I went to bed early yesterady to try and get a good sleep for the week and I nede dup waking up @ 4 am in the morning. I was so fucking pissed off! I didn't fall back asleep until 5:30. Fuck, that's the most annoying thing. Sleep is crucial to me, and it's not like I can get up and do shit if I can't sleep @ my Grandmother's. I can't wait until I get into my own place. I'm really just dying to get there. I'm very bitchy in the morning and I don't like to be bothered or spoken to. I turn into this mean evil bitch and I know, but I can't stop it.

On top of everything else, I got invovled with this script writing group and now I have to develop a character. I'm going to base it on myself and on the duality of my mind set and see where it takes me. Hopefully it will teach me something a/b myself. I'm aware of how I can just split my mind into two @ times...I just don't know why I do it or what started it. It makes for a very interesting character though.

Yesterady morning I met up with my Theatre group for our rehearsal. Obsessed, I am, with that boy!! I'm a total idiot though, whenever we start talking I turn into this dumb fumbling girl. Then I stop talking to him and I turn all my attention onto his friend. Mean while I really want to be talking to him, but I stop myself and force my attention else where. When he started talking to MY friend, I started to get all jealous so I just kept going on and on and on with his friend. I felt like a god damn child...wah wah wah!! @ one point he looked over @ his buddy and he had this evil look in eyes, like HE was jealous...and I was like, "Am I just imagining all this or is he really shooting him the glare". Cause I was totally feeling it towards my friend, so I don't know if I was just projecting. Now, this, my friends is why I hate boys!!! My passion runs wild and it just can't be contained. I start doing weird shit. That's why channeling into a creative outlet is so important to me. It's too chaotic any other way.

On Saturday night I went out with new boy#2. He reminds me of Miceky Rourke from 9 1/2 weeks, just a tad more childish. I get that vibe off him. Again I'm a fumbling freak case infront of him and he just grins in amusement. I've been getting told that I'm very alive and that's what people like a/b me. Every new person I've met in the last week has said that to me. Now I like this new guy#2, but not like I like new boy#1. I just get this feeling that my fantasies are more likely to be acted out with #2, b/c #1 is intimidated by me. He thinks I'm too experienced sexually, which is not really true. I mean I may be a fucking nympho, but that's good for him...right? What's the problemo???

It's time for me to get into character. Wedensday is my auditiona dn I need to be ready for it. Good bye CAT...hello Victoria. Raise hell you little bitch!! Raise hell!!