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2002-09-17, 8:51 a.m.: to be reborn...

Tomorrow is the big day. I've got this 'call back' book that I'm going to read today to prepare myself for what to expect. This is my first call back EVER. Now, while I think this atmosphere will be more relaxed than a typical call back, I want to be prepared for anything. Manipulating witch has already arose, and she's already giving me a head ache.

I decided I'm not going down to help tonight with the festival. If I've got to get prepared for tomorrow I need to BE PREPARED. I'm going to call them and let them know that I'll have to pass today. This is the last week and soon I'll be able to get back into my own swing of things. I may even go down and take a dance class b/f going over the script some more. I've got two scenes, from the first audition, and I figure I'll practise them with a friend.

It's soon going to be time to decide on a class to take. Once I know for sure if I got this part or not, then I can put my money towards either another acting class or a vocal training class. I think the next thing I want to do is get some professional head shots put togetehr. A friend of mine is a photographer and she said she'd do them for me and only charge me the cost of materials. That should get done as soon as this festival is done, which is this Saturday. Then I can send copies of my resume out to all the agents I want. By that time I'll either be filming 'the movie' or I'll know that I didn't win that one and I'll be enrolled in another class. That's my time line as I see it in my head right now.

I went to the gym yesterday. Finally! I was suffering the effects of withdrawls. It's so refreshing a/f my work out nights. My mind was completely blank yesterday, which means I'm thinking way over time during my days. My sister had a terrible dream a/b my ex a couple nights ago. They were born on the same day and I think she had a bit of sympathy for him and the way he is. They are very similar and I guess she could relate to his mind set mores o than I could. Or, she could accept it as a reality and I couldn't. Anyways, it was a horrible dream and it made my heart jump up into my throat. I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks now, since our last conversation. Who knows where he is or what he's thinking, but I can't worry a/b it anymore. He still hurts my heart when I think of him.

I want to get some kinky sex going on with new boy#1. He has the tendency, I can feel it in him. He's also wide eyed and ready to try anything and I like that. I hope I didn't scare the fuck out him though. I think I can come across as quite agressive, but I've handed all power over to him b/c I want be HIS slave. I think this tendency for me to react this way with him is b/c he is very much like my ex. I need to go through this to cleanse my pain. It's cathartic. I just hope he can handle it well.