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2002-09-04, 8:57 a.m.: days ahead...

It's been a very long w/e for me. Running a/r for the film festival...my legs are killing me and my feet are all scratched and blistered. You'd think that with all the exercise I do I would'nt feel the muscle pain...but I do. I guess I'm hiting muscles I don't usually hit during spinning. I don't fucking know.

Tonight is opening night and I've gotta be there to check guest list. My friend is playing and apparently they've arranged so that I can watch him during my shift. I missed his last performance here in July and I'm dying to see him and his band live. I got out his package to the music director of that project and I haven't heard back from him...re: me or his band. I'm still here with my fingers crossed, cause my instinct tells me that I have the part. Until I know for sure that I don't, I'll keep waiting. Based on what he said to me I almost had the part. It was just a matter of performing for the director, so you know.

I did my head shots on Monday. New boy is going to do them for me. I've decided that with this guy, as much as I like him...the only reason I LIKE him is b/c he's a huge challenge for me. He's this terribly anal, insecure, controlling person. It's just another controlling pattern that I'm jumping into, just so I can break out of it. I've realized that's what I like doing with men. That's why I get so hung up on these types of guys. So, fuck it, cause it's not worth my mental energy. I want him as a friend, but unless he shows me some extraordianry side of himself that I haven't already seen...that's all it'll ever be. I mean, shit he's just a couple rungs above my ex. They have the same personality type...this new boy just has several better qualities a/b himself. I have alot of baggage too and, fuck, I just don't feel comfortable right now being vulnerable with him. I'm worried that I'll put all this energy in to find out that I don't really want him once I have him. I think I'm going to turn to chicks!!

I'm going to focus on my career...my path. I want to channel all of my emotions into that aspect of my life b/c it's where I seem to keep getting directed towards. It's like the forces of the universe keep pointing me in that direction. I have so many emotions that just need to be released and explode, but it's just not happending properly with boys. They're a god damn head ache. My destiny lies somewhere else, where my expressive powers can be channelled into something bigger and better. I don't just want to touch one person, I want to touch many. It's the only way I am truly happy. I've figured that part out already.