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2002-08-20, 9:32 a.m.: pussy trials and tribulations...

I felt so depressed yesterday night. The weather really got to me. On my way to the gym I just wanted to curl up into a little ball and float away. Then I worked out and got on those spin bikes and tried to go as hard as I could. That woke me up a bit and got me riled. I tend to have both saidstic and masochistic tendencies and the latter comes out when I feel like shit. I need to feel something other than emotional pain so I turn it into physical. I think it's healthy for you.

I've been watching this show lately where 3 girls (or guys) go to the home of 1 single bachelor and the parents pick out who they want their child to continue a relationship with. Ex b-friends come onto the show to talk a/b their pasts. Videotapes are sent to the home with their friends revealing the worst stories a/b them. It's a pretty funny ass show. Then they are slowly eliminated and must go through a lie detector test for the final decision. Out of all the reality shows I always get a kick out of the dating shows. To watch the human interaction between two people who are sexually attracted (or not) is interesting to me. That is when they aren't hamming it up for the cameras. I want to take a lie detector test to see what truths or lies I reveal a/b myself. I think it would be interesting.

So buddy's been back since Friday and he still hasn't verbally spoken with me. As much as I want to fuck the shit out of him, I'm not going to. @ this point he doesn't deserve me and that's the fucking end of it. I also don't think it's up to me to call him. I mean, if he's too busy to call and say hi, then that's that. I clearly understand. Yea he has no tie to me and I don't have any to him, but there is a certain repect that is necessary in any relationship and if I don't get it then I pull away. Or, if I really want you then I stick a/r and my sadistic side comes out. You know, this is a vicious cycle for me. Someone pointed that out to me yesterday. Actually she called me a 'drama mamma'. Now, I say all this 'I won't sleep with him' now, but when we see each other it MAY be another story all together. Will the chemistry be too much to resist? Tune in to the continuation...

I'm going to take the personal training course if I have enough money to do it. I've got some cash saved, but I need to get alot of other things done as well. Pics, classes, and I really want to take a trip to New York with my girl friends. I hardly ever go away on trips. This summer alone, I haven't taken a day off. Oh, and I have to get my damn car serviced. I may have to spend a/b 300 on it...depending what my uncle says. We'll see, I have to do some math here.