2002-08-14, 9:45 a.m.: rainy days fighting for bright minds...
It's shit out. Yea, it's fucking so shit out. Already I feel all whinny and grumpy. Irritable too, totally irritable. Sometimes I feel as if everyone puts all this pressure on me and I hate it. I only enjoy pressure if I put it on myself. I don't like feeling responsible for anyone else...it's really just too much for me. That's why I figure I can't have kids. It's just not in my make-up. I'm always to over concerned with them and I don't have the energy to be that way to anyone but myself right now. It may sound selfish, but it's true. I know I would be bitter and resentful cause I can't offer unconditional love to anyone for an extended period of time. With my little sister, I'm extremely protective of her and completely paranoid a/b her well being when I'm with her. It's just way too much to try to balance that and then attempt to think a/b myself. I love children and instinctually I know they are helpless and little and they need protecting, but it takes me away from me and @ this point in my life I can't do that. If anyone tried to hurt her, EVER, I know would rage until hell's army was behind me here on earth. It's just too intense. Oh fuck...
I dreamt a/b 'Elvis' yesterday night. It was a weird dream. Then I come into work today and find out it's the anniversary of his death. I guess he was saying hi to me. I always have these premonition dreams, which is cool. I'm completely in tune with what's going on a/r me, even if I'm not totally conscious of it.
I have to get boxes @ the liquor store today. I better start packing up asap. No point leaving it to the last minute, I'll just be rushing a/r and stressing myself out more than I need to be. With everything that's going on right now I don't need to add more.
You know, I'm a positive person normally and I try so hard to keep it lively and upbeat and positive. But, there are times when I have so much negativity in me. I can't stand negative people, b/c I know they aren't any kind of asset to the world. I mean, think a/b it...there's so much shit and negativity in the world today already that to be stuck in the negative mind set is just an added hinderance. Who needs it, who wants it? It makes me sick to my stomach. If there's one thing I can't fucking stand in a person it's a negative attitude. I'm never outwardly harsh or hurtful to anyone unless they are to me. You spark the flame and then the rest is history. @ the same time though, even if I detest the presence of someone, if they try to talk to me I'll still keep a positive attitude and converse with them. I just don't give a fuck a/b them. The positivity is for MY sake and really all those a/r me, cause the other side can be dangerous. Some people don't get this a/b me, and take offense if I'm civil to someone I really can't stand. Of course I wont go out of my way to speak to them. It's only if they come to me, AND you wont see me going out and partying with them either. I know what they're worth and I just keep that in my mental register. I just feed off what you give me, you know. There's some CAT psychology 101 for ya. Even in this gloomy weather, I'm gonna force out the sunshine baby!
I found this on one of my favorite diary's page, and it just sums everything up so perfectly. 'Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony'-Mohandas K. Gandhi (1869-1948) Thanks for the quote!
Love, CAT XXX