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2002-07-09, 10:06 a.m.: inspiration...

Okay, so what's new. Anything? Hardly. I know I should be enjoying the down time I have, but I feel as if I'm not doing enough. Is that some kind of problem? I don't know. I kicked ass @ the gym yesterday. Holy fuck, did I kick ass. I just kept going and going and going...it was beautiful and amazing. I love pushing myself, my body to it's limits.

I'm really fucking horny though, which isn't a bad thing. I haven't had sex for almost 2 months now. When you were use to getting it all the time straight for 6 years, 2 months can be torture. I mean, fuck, I'm not worried that I can't take care of it myself...b/c I'm quite capable. But, I want physical contact and connection with someone...it's so much better that way. Too bad that night turned out so shit, I would have been able to have some fun. Oh well, we'll see what we can do in the meantime.

I found out that I'm stuck in my apartment for my whole lease term. If I leave, I'm held accountable for the remainder of my rent. This kinda gives me less options than I was hoping for, but you know. Everything happens for a reason and I'm sure I'll find out soon enough what that reason is.

I have to give my vocal coach a call tonight a/f my acting class. I think I gave her enough time to think a/b what and when she wants me to work for her. I hope it's soon, b/c I could really use the money now. Somebody told me this w/e...'The system is not designed for me, and it's not designed for you either." It's really common sense, it's just something that not many people are really aware of often. It's really unfair, which means...that our relationships with people are based on fairness. In other words, the spiritual sense of being...how we relate to others, etc is most definately based on karma. For sure! 'What goes a/r comes a/r.' There has to be a balance. See these beliefs come from somewhere. What you give out will be returned to you. So when you can't win in a world that is full of materialism and ugliness, beauty can be found in your connection to and with others. It's still selfish, but it satisfies both parties...it is the good side of our selfishness. Okay that's inspiring to me...I'm going to go write something.