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2002-06-14, 9:29 a.m.: my victory...

Rehearsal went very well. I got to gloat a/b Italy making it through to the next round...actually I didn't even have to gloat, I just had to smile. We did full dress rehearsal, so while it looked great...we were so fucked up back stage. It's dark and one of our costumes has a black hood that covers our face, so it makes it very hard to see what we're doing. I hope it works out tonight. Tomorrow we're going to have a party @ one of the girls houses. My boy is NOT invited. Sorry, I should refer to him as 'the' boy, now. That's pretty much all he is.

I got in @ 11:30 yesterday from rehearsal...and we're talking literally rehearsal. He looked @ me like I was out fucking a/r on him. All his friends were over and he didn't even ask me how rehearsal went or anything. He was probably bitching a/b my time of arrival to them and then when I walked in, my presence was enough to probably clarify his words. He asked me this morning in a mind game, round a/b way. Yes, that's how he deals with me...and then he gets pissed if 'I' don't ask him direct questions. I just went straight to bed b/c I was tired. He slept out on the couch again. I mean, common, if I was cheating on him I would never make it that blatantly obvious. I'd have more respect than that. Although, he's throwing everything away and basically asking me to cheat on him with his actions. We haven't fucked in 2 weeks...cause, I don't feel he deserves to fuck me. Why should I please him when he has no intentions on doing anything for me. I haven't really been horny with him either. I'm passed THAT stage with him. I just find it funny that when I stop 'doing' he still does nothing. I mean, this guy seems to need alot of babying and I'm not the person to do it, cause in reality I need major attention. I crave it and I need it. I AM NOT HIS MOTHER! He hasn't even asked when my show is or if he can come...and frankly I don't care now anyways. I have people coming to see me both nights and that's enough for me. He doesn't deserves to come now anyways, considering he hasn't given a fuck a/b what I've been doing since I started. The only reason he would come now is to see which guy it is I'm fucking. Tell me, does this sound like a healthy relationship to you? I always seem to get stuck in emotionally unhealthy relashionships. Years of attempted mind fuck over on my parents part helped me in that direction. I'm not too worried a/b it though, I know that every new experience only serves to strengthen my resilience to it. They've created a monster. In a good way, of course.

Strip away the innocence

Leave me with your hell

You'll never steal my light

And if you do, I'll never tell

You think that you can get

Deep inside of me

I'll just stand and laugh

@ what you believe to be