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2002-04-29, 9:03 a.m.: fuck, I feel like shit...

I've been feeling like shit lately. I'm attributing it to the fact that my apartment is still a fucking mess, and the weather has been completely shit for the past 4 days. Darkness during the day makes me feel like I want to scratch my flesh off with my nails. I know, not a pretty sight but it's true. If we were subjected to living in this kind of atmosphere all the time I think we would all eventually kill each other. It puts people in such bad moods. I need the sunlight...especially when I can't work out all the time, then I need it twice as much as normal.

I had people over all w/e @ my place, which made it feel more like home...the social part of it and everything. But, when everyone leaves it looks so drab. I really need some fucking color in there fast b/f I tear someone's hair out...and I'm not talking my own. Okay another reason why I might be feeling like such complete crap could be that my period is coming, so I guess that could be another factor. I know I can't expect to feel over joyed and happy all the time, but it's so much more fun.

Tonight I'm going to try my character again...hopefully I'll get a better run with her tonight. I'm going to bring in my heels to help me, and I'm thinking of a big bag/purse...she probably would carry her whole life in a big purse everywhere. We'll see how it goes. I need to get the fact that I'm NOT protraying 'Marilyn Monroe' out of my head, cause it fucks up the way I see MY character.

Once again my voice coach was awesome and we had a great class. It seems when I get agressive my voice projects so much louder. Also I'm much better @ hitting all the low notes as opposed to the high ones. I can get them, but they're really shaky...I spend half the time trying to find it and perfect it, and then the other half trying to hold it, and by that time it's just all wavy.

My boy never went to work today...he salvaged the last 50 that was owed to him for a day off. How fucking stupid can you be!! We need all the money we can get and he takes a day off. I was livid...totally pissed. I hope I made his day miserable so he never tries to pull that shit again. I've also decided that I'm going to only buy for myself cause if he thinks he's gonna pull this shit and I'm going to cover the expenses for food...he's got another thing coming...anorexia. I have enough shit to worry a/b aside from this crap. You know it's not that I want to be by myself all the time, b/c personally I can't stand it...but, I do so much better when I do things alone. You know it's a/b compromise when someone else is involved, but I find very few people who can compromise properly. I'm also a very independant person, but @ the same time I love the company of people or a person. If this shit doesn't work out I'm moving far, far away...away from everybody and everything. I'm upset now, but I'm trying to keep a poitive outlook. I'll just always have a back-up plan, you know. O.K. I could be jumping the gun here...but I'm just making it clear that I wont stand for this shit. I also have much more important things to concentrate and focus on, so onto the next paragraph.

I went by my parents yesterday and I went into the fruit cellar...let me tell you I've never seen that palce so stacked with food b/f in my life. Funny, and I don't really know what to think of it yet. Let's not worry a/b it...o.k.

I just want to do well in my acting and singing. I want to perfect myself so that I know every inch of range within myself. I want to be the master of myself...so that I can use it as a tool in which ever way I choose to. That is what I want to focus on. I want to explore the depths and heights and everything in between. Sometimes I don't feel like I belong...sometimes I do, depending where I am or what I'm doing. I find I am most comfortable when I can be actively involved in something that means giving my whole self. Okay I think I feel too shit right now to be continuing this...until tomorrow, when hopefully I'll feel MUCH better.