2002-04-10, 10:01 a.m.: my dreams...
I think I have to detach myself from my family. I'm not living with them right now and everytime I go back to see them...I notice how utterly fucked up they all are. Now, surely some of that fucked-up-ness has rubbed off on me and I just hope it's not nearly as bad as it is on them. I'm in a shitty mood today! I don't think anyone should talk shit a/b someone behind their back infront of a child. A 7 yr old should not have to be exposed to the bull-shit and back-stabbing of a family. When I'm finally settled in my own place, I think I'm going to refrain from visiting them @ their place. I mean, it's such a fake and superficial environment to be in. If you don't like me...that's fine...but, you better have a good enough reason NOT to like me, otherwise you're just a twisted individual. I thought family was suppose to be your comfort and your security...the ones you could always go to in times of need?! Blood is not thicker than water...and 'family' is a very indiviual opinion. I don't know why I'm looked @ as the 'evil' one or the 'bad' one...but I am. For every religious fanatic in my househld who seems to believe they carry the cross all day every day, I've realized that it's me who 'carries the cross'. Or in 'normal terms' the burden of not being accepted for who I am...which seems to always be is conflict with who they wish or want me to be. I would rather practise what I preached than be a hypocrite...and THAT does and will always hold true for me. This whole 'I am not what they want' deal ceases to bother me anymore where they are concerned, but where my baby sister is concerned it hurts me. I practically raised that girl and now I have been reduced to watching her and the judgemental attitude (that she picked up from my family) progress, against everyone...myself included. I'm sad, but this is out of my hands now...as it always was, really. I can only hope that come the future the truth a/b things will be revealed , as they have been to be. Again, I hope that she will be open-minded and not sink into the delusional pit of hell that most of them have fallen into. Not only for the sake of myself...but most importantly for herself. Call me melodramatic, but this is how it affects me and I cannot change that...I can only adjust to it and deal with it. I hope one day I will be surrounded by a full circle of friends that I can call my 'family'...that will love me truly and unconditionally and that will look out for my best interest where I am concerned, and not only they are. I'm optimystic and I know that one day all my dreams WILL come true.
CLG aka CAT XXX