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2002-04-03, 10:25 a.m.: back to work baby...

Okay so the true test was yesterday. I went to the gym...and...was able to push myself like usual, and not want to barf all over the floor. So I'm calculating that I am better, although my head was still kinda spinning still and my breathing sucked b/c of my cold. Well, I'm better enough to be getting back to my ususal routine of things. No more chilling out and resting...it's back to work now.

They missed me @ the gym...yes, cause I'm sooo loved by everyone. Anyways I've got my class tonight. I'm looking forward to it, since I missed last week. I'm also thinking I'd better get going on writing out a routine for the workshop. I've gotta put my shit together too. I know it seems like I have lots of time, but b/f I know it I'll have less than 2 weeks and I'll be stressing to get it together then. I want to do a good job...I want to do my best. So, gone are my days of procrastination...like my highschool/college days. I guess things weren't as important to me back then. There was really no need (that I saw) to work hard @ something, cause I never really cared too much a/b things back then. Although, I did work to put together monologues or dance routines back then...yes, yes I did. As I got older though, and my performing career was haulted by forces other than my own...my focus shifted to love. If I loved you...you better have fucking loved me back cause I was severely obsessive a/b who I loved (not to mention possesive). I look @ that time in my life as a very fearful one. I was scared that the only thing I could call my own would be taken away from me, as was my lifes' ambition, and I held on tight. My depression didn't help either b/c it just sank me deeper into the feeling that nothing was mine and I had to hold on even tighter to the external or internal things that I could. I can confidently say I did reach a stage in my life where I systematically began to take back everything that I thought was taken from me. Everything that was pulled from my being, along with myself. I am still working @ getting all of it back and it may take me forever, but I will do it. I will bring it all back into me...or let it all release from me, whichever it need be. So I'm @ a point where it's me that I must work on...b/c I am the only thing I can truly control and understand and be. Of course love is still a big part of my being...b/c I can love deeply, but I can hate just as much on the other side of the spectrum. So I 'll use those two extremes as my strengths and revel in them being who I am, and I'll work hard @ it too. Cause fuck...it is.