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2002-02-19, 9:04 a.m.: they're ready to disown my ass!

My family wants to disown me! I'm being trained to project my voice properly when I sing, and it's hard! When your voice is not use to it, it feels like a work-out on your muscles would feel like. I was getting disouraged cause I started to feel like I was screaming all the time, but it's what I'm suppose to sound like. So, since I get frustrated when I can't do something right @ the first try (I know, ridiculous!), I've been practising all day everywhere I can. I've had almost everyone in my house tell me to shut up cause I'm so loud. I want to be able to do it naturally and not think a/b the fact that I'm so damn loud. I know that if I keep doing this I'll decencistize myself and not notice the difference. In the meantime my family will just have to deal with it. My car is the only real alone time I have and I'm practising there too. I just really am determined to get my voice to produce this sound naturally...but I've gotta work it like I do my body. I never realized how much energy it took to sing. You never get tired though...I think the universe likes it and gives you back what you've dispensed, just better.

When I was a little girl, my sister and I would sing all the time. Dancing and singing and interviewing each other like we were stars. I was always very demanding, b/c I wanted to be the star, you know. I remember we would tape ourselves singing...just making up songs as we went. I'd always end up singing some ballad and I'd always end in tears. My sister would laugh @ me cause I'd be crying, but I couldn't help it...singing was just such a release that the tears would just stream down my face. I never felt embarassed a/b it either, which is strange cause I'm not one who likes to show her vulnerability.

When I was dancing, my sister would be my teacher. I would be her student and I would perform for her. She always knew my dreams to perform, and she'd try to encourage me and keep my dreams alive by getting me framed poems telling me to follow my dream, catch my star, you know shit like that. It was always my parents who were against my love of performing. They always tried to detour my path, control the outcome of my fture in whatever way they could...b/c 'a performer doesn't make enough money to survive'...that's what they would tell me. Of course, I didn't give a fuck. That's just all I wanted to do. It's hard when you don't have your family's support and they're constantly trying to pull you the other way. So I got side-tracked for a little while (I wont go into the bull-shit that encompassed that part of my life...maybe another time), but you can never forget what's in your heart. I remember taking drives to the counrty with them and I'd play my music and put together this whole performance in my head as I was staring blindly out the window...It's just all I've ever wanted to do. And, it's what I will do.