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2002-02-01, 10:09 a.m.: to be ostracized...

The snow has stopped and it is now raining. By the afternoon the temp will drop and we'll be driving (or sliding) on ice. Oh how I can't wait.

I had an awful night with my father yesterday. He's such an intellectual...whcih drives me insane...b/c nothing I ever say will ever be something he is willing to accept. We have this kind of challenging realtionship, which, while it's fun sometimes...can really hurt @ other times. My view or opinion is always over shadowed by his narrow minded knowledge. Usually I can accept it, b/c I know that for him to fight me so hard I must be doing something right and I do believe what I have to say is valid and true. Then their are other times when we lock horns so badly that he chooses to insult me straight out...b/c he knows he has no other means of winning. He tries to break me down by attacking me emotionally, which I think is fucking disgusting. I guess most people never grow up. Then on top of it all...he sits down with my 'younger' sister and proceeds to have a half hour fucking discussion with her re: the same issue he was tearing me down for expressing my thoughts on. THAT got to me badly...and I couldn't take the pain anymore...I broke down, by myself of course, and let it all out. I keep tellling myself that these things only make me stronger and I will come out positively on top of all of this. I always get the wall from both of them and I never can understand why...but it hurts most of the time. I choose to do things MY way and for that I am practically ostracized b/c of it. In an attempt to break me down to their way of thinking...all they do is push me further away. I will just deal with it, get over it, and move on...b/c I've been fighting it for too long and you know, in the end it is only me who will be hurt by all of this shit. I don't need their approval, really, or their acceptance...b/c I have my own. That, should be good enough and most of the time it is...just sometimes it's not. I've gotta work on those sometimes now...