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2002-01-25, 9:43 a.m.: the ritual b/f the war...

Okay I was away yesterday b/c one of the teachers @ the school..the one who basically told me what a bitch my instructor is and how she'll rip all of us off...quit. We had a going away party for her and I wanted to be there to say goodbye to her. She saved my ass from 5 months of useless time wasted, and we got along very well. As of Tuesday I will be no longer be attending, and I am ready to totally immerse myself into the performing arts. I have all the doors a/r me just waiting to be opened...I just have to open them.

I was really fucking stressed and tense yesterday...b/c I had a visit with a girlfriend of mine who just boils my blood. It's seriously time to cut her off, b/c friends shouldn't make you want to strangle the fuck out of them. Generally, I am the most fucking loyal friend a/r until I can't trust you...then get the fuck away from me, cause your time spent with me will not be pleasant. As much as I love to torture myself through vigorous work-outs or countless hours thinking a/b something or constantly chasing things I can't get...I will watch, and enjoy watching you squirm in front of me. Cause, I can somehow make people very uncomfortable when I want to, especially if I'm angry...I don't know if that's good or bad, but it suits my sick sadistic purpose...so whatever. So, I think my blood was boilng @ a temperature beyond, b/c I watched as she twisted and twirled her hair and contorted her face in front of me...and I really had to use all my will power to stop myself from physically injuring her. But, will power I posses an exuberant amount of, when I choose to tap into it...and I survived. So this feeling transferred over into the night, keeping me awake contemplating how I really have to get moving faster with my life and my goals. My goal is express myself through as many artistic mediums as possible...ones that use my body and my sould to accomplish. That is who I am, and that is what I want, and that is what I will and must do. Tonight when I dance for the T.V. dance party I will be up on the pedastals (I'm not being conceited here, they really are pedestals that they put us on)doing what I do best...performing and enertaining, in MY way with MY OWN personal style...that is different from everyone elses. Yes...I take pride in it b/c that is WHO I AM. I wont waste my time for long trying to be something or someone that I'm not. Sure it's fun...but, I love who I AM, and I want to celebrate that. Leave the split personalities for acting...where I can put them to some use. I love people who are different...I love people who are unique...people who dance to their own beat and don't give a fuck what everyone else thinks...people who do it b/c that's who they really are and not who they think they want to be. Those who wont compromise certain things b/c of pride and integrity. Fuck, am I spitting out some shit today or am I spitting out some shit? Good shit! I'm a tad bitter b/c I have, for alot of my life, dealt with people who end up turning into that movie 'Single White Female"...sure it's flattering and shit, but I guess it continues to inform me that I can make a differnce and I need to get moving in what I am doing in my life so that I can reach a broader spectrum. I have something within me that attracts and reaches so many people...but, most importantly it is myself who should feel fullfilled also. I need to put my talent to use! Fuck, I was so stressed all night thinking, I couldn't sleep. I didn't have that choking spell...I'll tell you that much. Must be another sign. And right now I am so riled up that I could run a fucking marathon 5 times over. I didn't even need a coffee cause I was running a/r like a damn chicken with her head cut off. I kept praying to God, whoever or whatever he or she is, and telling him/her that I'm ready for what is waiting for me. 'Throw it @ me, cause I AM FUCKING READY FOR IT NOW." It was my war chant, b/c when I feel like this I feel like a warrior, like I have to fight with all my will and strength...and you know what? I LOVE IT!!!!!!

Okay I'm going to end this entry with a book that everybody should read...if they haven't already. 'The Celestine Prophecy"-fucking amazing book, and I'm sure everyone who reads it will agree.