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2002-01-23, 9:54 a.m.: can I beat the phobia...me thinks so...

Okay so I actually survived one night w/o waking up and thinking I am choking. See, I developed this obsessive-compulssive phobia @ some point where I literally think I am going to choke on almost anything that I have to swallow...unless it's soft food. It can be really annoying when you can't fix it and you just want to cry b/c it's affecting your whole fucking life. I mean, it's something that you just have to rationalize in your head and then get over it...slowly. So, it got to the point where I was waking up a/b 3 times a night (still asleep) trying to recover from choking. Well, yesterday I woke up still, but I wasn't in a pnaic where I thought I was choking. I'd say that's some fucking progress for you. I think it's something that emerges from something else...like it's a manifestation of something I'm feeling @ the time. Also, the fact that I almost choked on a piece of bacon as a child...that may have something to do with it too. I have my closest friends explaining to me exactly how I wont choke, but soemtimes it was where I couldn't shake the feeling. Maybe, I choked in a past life...or maybe I was strangled.

Both my Mother and my little Sister are sick today. I became surrogate Mother's to both of them this morning. I just hope I don't get it too, b/c it looks crippling....and I HATE being sick.

I dyed my hair again yesterday @ school. I still have red dye along my hair line. It's fucking impossible to get red off your face...it'll take a couple days for sure. I'm wearing my BOOTS today...Fuck I love these things!

Okay I'm going to read the paper now...see what's new and disgusting in the world.