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2001-12-14, 9:31 a.m.: good bad, bad good...

Well I didn't make it to school yesterday. I had a choking spell here a/f I tried to swallow a Panax Ginseng pill. I thought it was stuck in my throat and I started panicking thinking I was going to choke. I literally cannot swallow big pills or eat popcorn b/c of this. It's a phobia, and I try to mentally imagine the positive side, but yesterday I was really convinced that it was right there @ my wind pipe just waiting to go in, if I breathed too hard. I didn't want to get in my car and have to sit on the Hwy for 40 mins, b/c the thought of panicking there was just unbearable. I was swallowing cold water, hot water, Pepsi...anything. I even burnt my tongue @ one point b/c I had boiled the water and went to drink it with it being so hot...I had to spit it out on the floor. I'm sure this would have been quite amusing for someone who didn't understand the seriousness of my dilema...I can laugh a/b it now, but @ the time I really am in a panic. I don't like to talk too much a/b it b/c it makes it feel worse. I didn't start taking full deep breaths until 8 @ night. I don't know where this came from it just popped up one day while I was eating popcorn...and I've had it ever since. Apparently my psychotic grandfather had the same condition...if you want to call it that. I've decided I'm just going to chew the capsules...I don't care how bad they taste. It's better than feeling like I'm choking for an hour. Round pills I can swallow, but those elongated ones are the ones that freak me out. If I ever got sick I'd have to crush all my pills up to take them or get them injected into me intravenously b/c the process alone of taking a pill makes me feel like I'm dying. So yes, it's a problem b/c it has controlled me to an extent...but fuck what can I do for now. These are my coping techniques. I'm a freak of nature...big deal.

I've also noticed myself tending to direct my affections towards gay males. I figure this is just another way for me to escape the confines of giving myself to a heterosexual male who just benefits from me sexually when I can't get shit out of them...real shit. It's like I think that no straight man can offer me true emotions and feeling. Or maybe it's that I don't want it from them...I'm confused as to why I find myself 'in love' with all these gay men. Cause they can give me, in some ways, what no straight man could and sexual feelings wouldn't distort the picture. Straight men can have my body...well, I shouldn't put it that way...I can use them for my sexual pleasure...there that's better. But, a gay man could hold my heart...cause he'd never break it...never in a way that would truly hurt me deep down. Fuck, I think I've been watching too much 'Will & Grace'. I can't not give my heart to people...that's my damn problem...I just wish I wouldn't have to suffer the heart ache when people can't give their's to me. Maybe I'm just babbling here...

Oh, fuck I forgot a/b this one. So, Saturday is out. BAD BOY BILL is going to be spinning @ the club and as much as I love that fucking guy I cannot afford to sepnd $30 to go see him cause I'm going to have to spend more on the pills I'll be talking that night. Which, I might add, I will be able to swallow cause they're round. So shitty as that is...we can all get in to 'Aria' with a friend of ours and party the night away there. I've never been there, but I'm up for new and exciting experiences. Only other shit thing is that I'm going to have to tell T now that even if they end up @ the club...we won't be there. Now that B.B.B's going to be there though, I doubt that they will be going there cause $30 was the discounted price, which means the regular price is probably like $50-60 or some shit.

Tomorrow, @ school I'm going to dye my hair again and cut it a bit. The red is really faded now and since my hair is so short is grows really fast. I picked these two colors that I'm going to mix together for the red...one's called 'rage' and it's a bright red and the other is called 'forbidden' and it's a deeper red. The two mixed together will make a beautiful nice rich red color and then I'll redo the highlights in it too. It'll be bright for the night of T's thing and MY club night...and it'll stay through the holidays too.

I'm here alone right now, cause the girl I work with is @ emergency with her daughter. She's been sick for the last 2 weeks and her fever got as high as 39, which is almost lethal. I'm so bored here...the only thing keeping me excited is my two LARGE cups of coffee...I hope I get fired.

CLG aka CAT XXX ;-)~