Friday, Jun. 11, 2004, 9:00 a.m.: breaking point...

Is it just not my time or what?! I got 2 of my packages sent back to me, with notes in them, telling me that they're not 'expanding their roster' @ this time. You can imagine how fucking depressed that made me. The only thing keeping me half sane right now is the fact that there are still 23 packages circling agents offices. From what I hear though, this is one of the slowest times in the industry here, since like 198-fucking-4! Yesterday I was getting so upset I came to the conclusion that I should just see if any NY agents/managers would take me on. Since I'm going down to visit my girlfriend there, I can see if I can get some interviews or something. It would be worth a try. I'm on a downward spiral though right now. I'm going through this insecure period or somthing b/c I'm starting to doubt that I'm cut out for this biz and shit like that. I've had a rough week emotionally but when I look @ some of the women I deal with in this industry...well, I am nothing like them. It sometimes makes me feel like I'm missing something...and as usual makes me feel alone...like I can't connect and I don't know why. Maybe I'm the one who is aware and that's why I feel like I do. I don't get it. I especially don't get why I'm still struggling like a mofo for an agent. It has not been this hard for other people that I've talked to. I've been looking for almost 1.5 yrs! Fuck, if the rest of my career goes like this I wont even have one! Maybe I'm just not suppose to.

I think I was an asshole to my boy yesterday. I'v been so emotional and I just snapped on him. I think the shittiest thing was that he was calling me with news a/b a part that he really wanted [and got] and needed advice from me on what he should do a/b it. Turns out b/c he just became part of the actors union he's not suppose to do anything that is not affiliated with it. This movie just happens to NOT be part of the union. Anyways he set me off with a comment he made and it was all down hill from there. I feel bad but I also feel justified for how I reacted. I still feel bad mostly though, but whatever. I mean, I am so fucking supportive so when I feel disrespected I get pissed. Again, I think I expect too much from people.

I'm shooting all this weekend. I'm in the mood, the right mood for my character, but I'm not really in the mood...if you know what I mean. I wont know start time till late tonight, which will kinda suck for me b/c I have to wait a/r on their schedule. I just hope they're good and they get the shots they need and move on...not making it too drawn out. I decided that for my crying scene next weekend I'm going to stay out and party all night, the night b/f. If I wear myself down physically it has an impact on my emotional state and I'm totally not balanced. I figure if I was to get the emotional feeling down properly then this is the best way to go. I'm so worried a/b the scene, even though it's such a short part of the movie, but I want to make sure it's realistic. I have to make people feel sorry for me...that's the whole point. Crying though, is probably the hardest thing for me to do infront of people. I have to be @ breaking point to do it naturally.