Wednesday, Apr. 23, 2003, 9:19 a.m.: my blessing and my curse...

Somehow I manage to actually be coherent today. Despite the [almost 2] bottles of wine I shared with my girlfriend last night, and the fact that I woke up @ 3am and couldn't get back to bed until 6am, I'm good. For those 3 hrs I had all this shit running through my head. Anything from my parents, and their stupid behavior towars me, to the dumb ass director who might as well be screwing me b/c he sure is screwing me over. Let me go over this...

I dropped by my parents, b/f meeting up with my girlfriend, to run in and out and check my e-mail. I parked in my ususal spot...the spot that my father always tells me not to park in b/c he can never get into the garage that way. But being that I was just running in and out, I thought I could swing it. So down I run to the computer, do my shit, and then in runs my little sister and my father...who had just come home. Not thinking it was going to be a big deal, my little sis tells me that he said he wasn't going to move the car for me...to 'teach me a lesson'. Uhm, 'hello, I'm fucking 25...I don't need you to be teaching me any kind of lessons...you never taught me b/f and this I think I can do w/o'. So I finish and go upstairs and ask him [politely] for the keys so that I [myself] can MOVE the cars [both myself], so that HE can sit his ass down and not be bothered. But, already he's on the attack...ready to 'teach' me that lesson'. So he goes, 'no, you're going to wait until I'm done eating'. 'No, I cannot wait until you are done eating, I need to go now , and what the hell are you trying to prove here?!'. 'How many times have I told you not to park there?!'. So, we continue to argue [loudly] over this CRAP, and I tell him how ridiculous it is that we are even fighting over this useless shit. 'You are so stubborn!' he says to me, and he goes out to move the car. I look a/r to my mother [who is no fucking help, ever...bitch! - pardon my language] and I go 'Am I being unreasonable here, b/c I don't think I am?!'..to which I get a reply from not only my mother, but from my two sisters and they all say YES!! I'm thinking...all you guys are fucking fucked up man...and I just left. Now, my father who was only trying to 'teach' me a lesson, has to now prove to me that there was room for me to park where I had said [quickly off the top of my head] that I didn't think I could fit. So he backs up, drives onto the grass [a/r the grass] and through the spot. I was just so fucking amazed @ the absurdity [is that even a damn word?] of what was happening that I sped back down my drive-way and never even gave him the satisfaction of looking over...pretending that I was not paying attention. These people should be the first act in a travelling circus...they would get killer laughs. Shit!

I am always amazed @ how I end up being the scape goat for everyone in my family. Everyone else gets away with murder, but ME whose only 'wrong' is that I've given up on them [emotionally] b/c they cannot support, encourage or love me gets shit on. For what?! For shit they've done or for shit they can't do. It blows my mind! I mean, I know that I am not what they expected or wanted in a daughter. I don't play by their rules and I can never give them the picture perfect perception of how they think I 'should' be. I will never be good enough for them...no matter what. But, you know, they just gotta deal with it. B/c they are certainly NOT what I wanted or expected in parents and well, I am dealing with it. They need to grow the fuck up!!!! I need to now throw this toxic waste out of my mind.

I cannot stress enough how grateful I am that I have such great friends a/r me. I don't know what I would do w/o them...seriously. I thank the universe [or God] every fucking day for all of them, b/c I have definately been blessed in that area of my life.

Love, CAT xXx