2002-10-08, 9:05 a.m.: just another day...yay...

Yesterday I had two more auditions. The first one was for a short student film. I fell in love with the casting direstor/producer...he was gay. My gawd...what a cutie!! It's a story a/b me and my b-friend and he falls for my gay best friend. It was fun to do the scene, and they made me do an improv @ the end where I catch them kissing and shit. I thought it went well, and we all got along well also. I was happy a/b how that one went. Then I went over to the Theatre audition and they were doing 'Bus Stop'. I don't think that one went well. I didn't feel very good doing it. For some reason I feel as if I'm not loud enoguh for theatre or my actions aren't big enough. I don't really know how to move a/r my space while I'm reading lines. And it sucked cause the girl who was reading with me was sitting in a chair to my down stage left and I wasn't suppose to play to her. What the fuck does that mean? I felt lost cause I wanted to talk to her cause she was my other character and I didn't know where else to go when I didn't. I don't think I got that one. Although when I had to get up on a chair and sing for everyone (for one of the scenes), I belted out Happy Birthday loud enough and certainly big enough. How does that work? Bumped into New boy#1 again...who isn't so new anymore. He had also come from the same auditions I had. I want that guys soul, let me tell you. He's testing my patience and my good natured heart as well, b/c I'm starting to fall out of my 'wanting to please him mode'. I'm falling into my 'I'm gonna get you mode' and not in a good way. I don't want a boy friend per se, but @ the same time I don't want him to play all hard and tough a/r me. Why can't he just be normal? I mean, I have NO problem what-so-ever separating my emotions. I've become a master of it. He, on the other hand seems like he has to work @ it. I think he's much more sensitive than I am. HA!

Thursday I'm hooking up with an old friend of mine from hair school. We were supose to get together a month ago and he came into some problems and I hadn't heard from him since. Then yesterday he calls me up and I didn't even recognize him. Fuck! I thought he had fallen off the face of the earth. He's an awesome guy...one of the best so far. I was pissed @ him, thinking he was brushing me off and shit...but, it turned out his problems were bigger than I thought.

I've gotten back into my lip biting habit. The whole inside of my mouth is all chewed up...it's kinda disgusting actually. I need to stop it again. I can't remember what started it up, but it's gotta be a nervous habit. Like, when I'm thinking too much or something.

My left knee is all fucked up too. I'm not sure if it's from the accident, but it hurts like hell. I always bump it on something...either in my car or on my desk here. I'm a complete fucking hazard to myself, you know. *Cause I'm a hazard to myself* I had to break into that Pink song. Tonight I'm taking the gym off, b/c I think I may be coming down with something. I want to rest up. It's laundry night tonight too. Yippie-fucking-do.

Love, CAT XXX