2002-10-09, 9:10 a.m.: diamond blue...

You know, it's flattering when all your exes want you back. Wouldn't you say? Another one of my exes called me up yesterday @ my parents house. I was over doing laundry and this guy happens to call while I'm over there. I think the last time I saw him was back in 2000...we went out for coffee. I was still with the other one and so I didn't really want to keep contact with him. It was more for closure that I went for coffee with him in the first place. Any fucking ways, now he's BACK in jail. I can't fucking believe this shit?! He was doing alright when we last met up and now he's been in jail for the past 9 months. If he gets convicted he'll get 15 years. He's been in and out ever since he was a teenager and basically he's always screwed cause he can never get caught doing anything wrong when he IS out. I feel for him in a way, b/c it's hard to turn your life a/r and forget the old ways of doing things...especially when it's all you really know. But, then he chooses his predicaments. I mean, he knows that if he gets busted for WHATEVER he's fucked...and so he always takes the chanes and risks it. He put himself where he is really, even if he did get fucked over in the situation. He wants me to go visit him...I can't go visit him, not b/c I don't want too, but b/c I can't get involved with him again. Actually, yea, it's cause I don't want to. Boys...

I never got a call for the film audition. I'm not getting discouraged, but I'm wondering why guys get more parts. It really pisses me off that guys get more roles than women. We have a much fiercer competition. Of course, I love competition though. I really have to train more so that I can be the best. I know I know...there will always be somebody better than me. Yes, that sucks majorly, but it just means I have to keep climbing. I've gotta look into a good course that I can afford. I've been hesitating on it b/c of all the auditions. I keep thinking I'm going to get a part, but I guess that's the wrong approach and I should just book a damn class. Then I can work all the details out @ another time...if I have to. I'm calling my next coach up right now~ Fuck it! I gotta get my practise and training down for when it really counts. I want to really focus and be good @ what I do. I have to.

I watched Buffy yesterday. I'm in LOVE with Spike. I adore how he is so deeply in love with Buffy that it tortures him. I would fuck the shit out of that Vampire...let me fucking tell you. I want a Spike of my own. He's so tragic, it's beautiful. I also bought a new tongue ring yesterday. It's blue with little diamonds in it. It's really pretty and it's alot shorter too, so it's easier to deal with in my mouth. It's not knocking on all my teeth and shit. I like it!!

Love, CAT XXX