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Tuesday, Jun. 07, 2005, 10:42 a.m.: RIP

Death is fucked. I don't know what happens after you die. I have my theories, like, I believe that our essence returns to the universe as energy. I haven't decided yet if we really do come back to re-live our lives out, and correct all the bad we did in our previous life, or if we just drift in the universe and deal with our decisions cosmically. I'm leaning more towards the first, b/c I come across people who seem to have lived many lives. You know, those people who just 'get it'...they know how to deal with life and all it's hardships and you think to yourself...'this is an old soul'. Then there are others who just seem so young and fragile...like a lost baby, with no defences. My sister's ex killed himself the night of his birthday. He had been clinically depressed for many years. Along with that, and all the medications he was on to help with his depression, he drank way to much and did too many drugs. Part of the problem as well and to him part of the solution. He was just spiralling downward into this pit of destruction. I met him once and he seemed so cool and calm but very...uhmm...below the mood level of your 'average' person. You'd never guess that he was a manic depressive tho. My sister had a hard time in the realtionship with him. I worried that he was going to do something awful to himself and I urged her to get away from him. It's not her problem to deal with, I said. Sounds cold, but my sister doesn't have her life or herself together...she can't be worrying a/b someone else whose just going to drag her down with him. Depressive people love the company of misery and the force is very strong. You have to be a super postivie person to escape it's grasp. She did get away from him and they continued to talk every once in a while. He had tried to kill himself b/f and all his friends knew, but nobody did anything to help him. Nobody was 'his friend' in his time of need. Tough call too b/c you can't get someone help who doesn't want it themselves. But, the fact that he had tried to harm himself could have gotten him into a hospital or something here...@ least he could have been monitored. When I found out that he had died, I wanted to cry. It hurt me so deeply to know how much he must have been hurting inside to want to take his own life. Regardless of whether he was selfish and imature and weak...all of which he was...it still made me cry. He was a young soul. Not experienced enough with how to deal with the turbulance of life...or his purpose here. That's another thing I believe...we all have a purpose. On the night of his 27th birthday, he hung himself in his room. His parents found him in the morning...him and his 6 foot lifeless body hanging from a rafter in the ceiling. An awful thought but it makes you want to hug and kiss everyone you care a/b forever. Purpose? Now according to my theory, he will come back and re-live a life here. This time tho, he'll do it just a little bit smarter than b/f. This time we will hope he desides to stick it out...to fight thru this mess. Life is a challenge...it's suppose to be. Purpose? Well, I think that's how we learn to grow. RIP