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Monday, Mar. 14, 2005, 10:19 a.m.: forever thankful...

There is so much left for me to learn. You know, the boy is 4 years younger than I am and yet he is a/b 20 years more mature...when it comes to some things. It's no secret that, emotionally, I am slightly behind. I have a harder time dealing with head-on confrontation when it comes to me [my choices, myself] and I can get very emotional. It's tough, b/c I sometimes don't know how to deal with things properly. If I get too emotional, my negative nautre comes out. I would much prefer to close up and no discuss anything and just let it go away...or, rant and rave until I tire the person out and they have no choice but to side with me. Obviously not the best way to resolve problems or address issues. I have a tendency to get very defensive and that causes me to shut the other person out in whatever way I can. Naturally with K, it can sometimes become a problem. We had a very serious talk this weekend. My negative mood was getting the best of me and I was stuck in this rut. I was spiraling downward into the pit of self-pity and I was forgetting all the positive things I had right infront of me. This is something that I NEED to work on. For someone who talks a/b growing and progressing and always learning new things in life, I can sure as hell have the hardest time with this type of thing. I don't want to stay where I am, with regards to emotional maturity, but when it comes to my looking @ what I've done wrong and trying to fix it...well, when it comes right down to it, I'm stubborn as hell [always have been]. It's very hard for me to admit to myself sometimes that I've done something wrong or even that I'm wrong @ all. I'm so lucky to have been united with K. He is endlessly patient and always willing to work thru things and he gives me his all, no matter what. I have alot to learn from him. It also helps that he possesses many of the qualities, in a person, that I aspire to have myself. Or rather, that I have inside and just want to be able to share properly. We are always brought together with people who have to teach us something. You know, I never expected to get the lesson of a lifetime with him, but I'm ready for the ride. They say, these sort of rides last forever and I'm so thankful.