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Wednesday, Feb. 23, 2005, 11:10 a.m.: to have a home...

Another day gone by. Fuck, time is just flying right now. I don't even know where February went!! I was suppose to go to the gym this morning. I drove home early last night, forfitted sex just so that I could get to bed @ a decent enough time, for me to get up for 6am. I got to bed by 11.30pm, but when 6 rolled a/r I was in NO condition to go work-out. I felt wired and not fully rested, so I decided to re-set my alarm to 7.40am. I feel much better now b/c of it. I notice that I've just been rushing from here to there to there w/o even enough time to relax and sometimes that can take it's toll on me. A 6am weight routine was not in the cards today. I also had this terrible dream that was flashing thru my mind, so that could have been another reason for my complete lack of energy too.

The dream was pretty fucked. K and I and a bunch of my girlfriend's were all @ this party. K was being abnoxious, loud, and attention grabbing, and he was trying to get me to pull my pants down in front of everyone. I wouldn't do it so all of a sudden my [ex] girlfriend S pulled hers down exposing her shaved vagina. Then he went over to her and slid his finger up her slit!!! @ first I ignored what I just saw, in my dream, as I was trying to play it off like I totally didn't care. I was still all over him, being very sexual towards him and suddenly I saw S cowering away from the rest of us, as if she had just been violated. Then it shifted and I was sitting with my girlfriend T and K had gone somewhere. @ that point I asked T if I was being totally fucked to be pissed [inside albeit] @ what just happened between K and S. I can't believe I actually had to ask that in my dream, but he made the whole thing seem so...okay...so it was weird. She told me that I was not fucked @ all, and that it WAS wrong. So @ that point I go to find him. I guess I was going to yell and break up with him or something and there I see S, in the corner, over-dosing. I guess she had been on something and the fuckedness of the situation made her trip harder than she thought, but all I remember thinking was, 'good, she deserves it'. Then I found K and started freaking on him, but he didn't care, he just kept telling me that everything was fine and I was over-reacting...then he dissapeared. Now comes more whackedness. I was given this movie to watch and my other girlfriend M was starring in it. So I sit to watch it, but I had to put this plastic cover-all over my body first. So I'm sitting there, but I'm looking @ myself in a mirror, and this plastic sheet thing is going over my body and suctioning itself to me so that I looked like a plastic doll or something. Then the movie turned on and the mirror became a movie screen and I watched M giving birth to this alien child. It was very strange, the whole dream. I don't know what was going on in my head, but it was definately twisted.

I'm looking forward to the time when I don't have to drive home @ 11pm @ night. I'm tired of it. It makes me miserable and irritable b/c I can't get a good enough sleep. I'm starting to feel like I have no home too. I mean, I always travel with my clothes in a bag. I practically live out of my car and I'm never @ either home [my Grandmother's or K's] long enough to just chill. March 1st I will have my home back. It's been quite a long time so, yes, I'm looking forward to it. Also the fact that I'll be starting my real life with K, that's also pretty amazing in itself.

I received in the mail, yesterday, a contract that I'm suppose to sign, from that asshole director. He's got me down as his marketing assistant and if I sign it I'm basically indebted to him until July of this year. He can shove that contract up his ass as far as I'm concerned...he's not getting anything else from me.

I came in, this morning, and confronted my co-worked a/b the stolen client situation. Everything has been cleared up and she credited me for the commission on the policy. I basically gave her the benefit of the doubt and allowed her the opportuntiy to redeem herself, which she did. She still lied to me, but @ least I set a precedent and got what was rightfully mine. I also wrote another one today myself, so things are progressing forward here, for me, which is good. I decided I probably wont bring it up @ the meeting anymore. I don't know, I'm still thinking a/b it.