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Tuesday, Oct. 12, 2004, 11:13 a.m.: out of light...

Thanksgiving weekend and how interesting a weekend it was!! Why is it so hard for me to just let things be? My family get-together was the most awkward experience I've had in a very long time. Sunday my Mother planned for all of us to drive 2hrs up to their cottage so that we could celebrate there. My sister didn't get off until 6pm so that made our 'deaprture time' a/b 6.30pm, almost 7. By the time we got up to the rest of the family it was 8.30pm. Now I chose NOT to bring K with me while my sister decided to bring her b-friend along. The minute we stepped into the house there was that air a/b the place, where everyone had just shut up a/f spending the whole time gossiping a/b the 'new arrivals'. There was so much tension, you could cut the air with a knife. It turns out I'm quite narccisistic b/c aside from a little bit of banter re: our choice of b-friends, most of the family was pissed b/c they had to wait so long to eat. Turns out my Mother wanted to wait till 8-fucking-30pm, for her daughters to arrive, instead of feeding the rest of the guests @ dinner time like originally scheduled. Regardless, I didn't feel like I was sitting with my family @ all. I'm glad it's over. We are definately bred as a selfish lot, all of us. I'm trying to work my part out. My whole family has been putting me on this huge downer lately. I think it's b/c I've been exposed to someone who is so positive, most of the time and especially where I am concerned, that this whole facade my 'real' family puts up now is wearing very thin. I have to try and work with them though and 'show them the light', so to speak...b/c if I don't, nobody else will and we'll all be out. That's what I'm trying to tell myself even though it's very hard for me to come to terms with.