Wednesday, Aug. 25, 2004, 10:04 a.m.: plan of attack...

I don't know what's happening with me. I don't want to say that I'm falling for this guy, just b/c I want to make sure I can keep my head above water, BUT he is VERY VERY fucking charming. Everytime I talk to him he works his way in more and more. He tells me things a/b myself that are so dead on and it freaks the fuck out of me. We are so similar to each other. Every time I really want to talk to him, he ends up calling me. I don't even have to stress [for very long] a/b the dying need to hear his voice b/c he calls @ the most perfect times. I decided that with this one I was going to just sit back and let him come to me. He's making it very easy though to break that rule...especially when he says things like, 'I wish you would call me more'. Well, I wish I would too and maybe I will...but then again, maybe I wont. We'll see. He called me last night while I was watching the movie 'Taking Lives'. When I told him what I was watching he mentioned that he had told me to watch the movie a week earlier. I didn't even remember, until he said that, but I guess sub-consciously it was still there in my mind. We ended up talking for 4hrs, a/b everything from religion to death to sex. We have alot of the same views on so many things which makes it very easy for us to realte on every level. I love how he's open-minded and free-spirited and expressive and NOT intimidated by me. I love how he just instinctively knows how to handle me. The whole sex thing is very important to me but he also touches me on other levels that makes everything much more intense. It's kinda scary but it gives me a huge adrenalin rush. It's also really funny that we both have severe analytical minds, in regards to everything, but decided [seperately to ourselves] that we weren't going go there with each other. Sometimes I'm freaked out by our whole connection, but @ the same time, it's very comforting. I think the only thing I really fear is my tendency to drown and get so wrapped up in these feelings. I guess on the positive level it would be a nice change. I should just appreciate it and go with the flow like I promised I would.

Today I have my agent interview. I've gotten a good feeling from this woman so far. She's new and hungry and that is always a good thing. I don't know how respected she is though, b/c she's just starting out. I guess ultimately the fact that she can get me in to see some important casting directors is all I should be worried a/b right now. I have the time to move to other agencies throughout my career. From what I know she doesn't make you sign a contract which means I wont be bound to any sort of agreement and I can leave whenever I want w/o penalty or worry. This city is crap though right now for acting and I'm getting sick of it. I wonder if it's a sign that the industry here is so dead just while I'm trying to get an agent. Maybe, just maybe, my fate in this biz is somewhere else and that's why it's taken me this long. Of course, I'm not pro-active in ways like some otehr people are. If you take lessons with a coach long enough they usually put in a good work for you with certain agents that they know. I've been more focussed on actually finding the 'right' teacher for me this whole time. But maybe it's time I just get in with one that I know can help me get places. If I look on the positive side, any teacher can really teach me something...as long as I understand his [or her] method/language. So that's my next plan of attack, if you can call it that.